It figures

I knew it was a possibility. Because of this post, I had a dream that night that I was on "Rock of Love" and was one of the final three women competing for Bret's affections. In my dream, my long time friend (who is now a mother of 7!), was helping me pick out the slinkiest, sluttiest dress we could find for my dream date with Bret. Say it with me: ewwwwwww!!! LOL.

Yearning to be knocked up

I have had baby fever BAD lately. Yes, we're signed up for IVF with Donor Eggs round 2. Yes, we're on the waiting list for an anonymous donor, and yes, we're hoping and praying it works sometime later summer/early fall. But man oh man, I have the yearning so bad. It almost is a pain in my ovaries (my non-compliant ovaries). Recently, on my mommy message board, there was a new pregnancy announced, and once again (as it seems to be happening around me lately), very little time was put into trying for this baby. Don't get me wrong: I'm not in the least bit holding any grudges or ill will towards the newly PG mama-to-be-again. What I am feeling is jealousy. Desire. Anger at my own non-functioning body. Yearning for a baby inside of ME.

There is a baby boy at Keifer's child care, who is the sweetest little baby ever (besides my K). He is beautiful: always smiley( like my girl), big blue eyes, big dimpled grin. So sweet. So small. Going through all the milestones that K just went through. I want to go through them again. Call me greedy: yes, my daughter just turned one year old and still has MANY milestones to cover. But I am baby HUNGRY. It is this innate hunger: this NEED for a baby to be MINE, held in my arms, rocking to sleep at night (alongside our angel K).

I had a dream this past weekend - I can't remember if it was Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. Truthfully, this weekend was a blur in time for me. It was a very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was PG, naturally, with no donor eggs. It was a huge (obviously) surprise and a huge joyous occasion for CJ and I (in my dream). I even could FEEL the twinges of PG in my uterine area. I remember the dream very vividly: celebrating, seeing the gestational sac on the ultrasound, feeling the flutter of the baby inside me. I woke up feeling so disappointed and so very sad. Sad that this wasn't the truth, it was only a dream.

Ironically, a few days later, a girl on my mommy message board called me out to tell me that she had a dream the night before that I was PG and it had happened naturally. Now, if I wasn't on the pill, and if I KNEW it wasn't logistically possible right now, I would've called that a huge sign. A sign that maybe, just maybe, someone in the higher ups somehow was trying to tell me something. As many of you know, I'm a huge believer is "signs". But it is not the case, and it is not true, and that fact alone makes me feel sad yet again.

Yes, I'm a happy woman. I have a wonderful supportive DH, a beautiful, smart baby girl, and two beloved fur kids that make me laugh every night. I have all I ever wanted. But to be sad about not being PG for the 2nd time, and to be pissed off at my own body for not allowing me the ease and carelessness to be ABLE to get PG without assistance, or another woman's eggs (for cripes sakes); well, I have a right to be feeling like this. I'm acknowledging my hurt and disappointment, and yes, it is OK to feel like this. Especially when my life's dream (and CJ's) was to have a family together, meaning more than one child if possible.

Last night, I woke up CJ with my talking in my sleep. I rarely talk in my sleep, so if I do, I must have been worked up about something. I don't know why I was/am worked up, but apparently subconsciously I am. I then woke myself up, yelling out "Bitch!". "Bitch". Hmmm. To whom in my dream, was I saying this to, and why? I honestly don't know. My body? The clinic? A PG woman? Hmmm. It makes me chuckle to remember this, but at the same time, what is going on in this crazy head of mine?

Who knows. Maybe I have deep seeded issues with the waiting game we are now a part of again. The waiting for the clinic to contact us with the news that they possibly MIGHT have an egg donor for us. The waiting for the process to get started. The waiting as the meds are fine tuned and started. The waiting to see if any eggs are retrieved. The waiting to see if we have embryos to transfer. And the waiting to see if I become 'knocked up" again, and have another successful PG.

Please keep us in your prayers. I feel greedy. Greedy that I am so selfishly asking for the prayers for another baby.

Dreams...and Oscar ramblings....

I will admit it to you: me, Miss Movie Buff Extraordinaire, didn't watch the Academy Awards last night. Quite honestly, I couldn't have cared less *gasp*. For the first time in, well, I don't even know, I had no desire to watch them and really had no interest in who would win. WOW. Just, wow. Other than Juno, and the intense Michael Clayton, I didn't really see any of the nominated films. I did, however, enjoy the clip of Ryan Seacrest and the adorable (as always!) Jennifer Garner being "attacked" *(snicker)* by Gary Busey on the Red Carpet. It's all I've heard about all AM on the talk radios. Boy, Jen looked gorgeous! I thought she handled the peck on the neck pretty well on national TV!

Dreams. I have crazy, wild dreams most nights. When I was PG, they really got out of control wild. Last night, I had a dream that I had exactly 5 minutes to pack up all my belongings, and K's, including food, to last us indefinitely. I was feeling panicked, and scared, and didn't know what to toss in the bag: clothes, which ones?, snacks, water, pictures. Ugg. It was awful. Where do dreams like this even come from?

Rockin' it with Brett

So it looks as though Brett is joining the ranks of famous men to appear in my nightly stories.
I had the CRAZIEST dream last night that Brett Michael's was romancing me. LOL. It was one of the more vivid, crazy dreams I've had lately (it was PG rated!). I think I was dreaming about him because he's going to be here in MN for New Years Eve and I was just talking to CJ about how I'd love to go see him, but the price of a ticket is pretty steep ($104) although that does include the booze for the evening. However, since I rarely drink these days, one beer would be all it took for me to get my buzz on,and I have to say, I'd wonder about the collection of '80's hair band fans congregating together in a venue.........would there be some fights? And, CJ and I just don't have $200 lying around for something like that these days, plus we'd have to think about transportation, since we'd be drinking, and who would watch our angel girl at home while we were gone? *(sigh)*. I guess I'll just have to look forward to Rock of Love, Season 2,to get my Brett fix again. In the meantime, I've been enjoying my Poison's Greatest Hits in the car off and on, rocking out with my baby girl to some good old school tunes. Who can ever get enough of "Every Rose Has It's Thorn?".

Toothy dreams (again)

I have a very vivid imagination and when I sleep, I really dream some wild and crazy dreams. Most of them have no apparent point to them and involve lots of crazy people and activities. When I was pregnant, it seemed as though my dreams got even more wacky.

Well, this past weekend I had another doozy of a night on Saturday. The dreams started out with me attending an "up close and personal" Motley Crue concert (?? what ?? LOL), and then it moved into me having my teeth fall out (after drinking some sort of "toxic" drinks, mind you). Back in September, I had wild dreams about my teeth falling out, and apparently, the symbolism of my teeth falling out may have something to do with losing control over certain aspects of my life -- here is the definition again:

teeth - Falling out: Loss of control over certain aspects of one's life. Powerlessness, unable to influence things or the outcome of things important. Loss of self-esteem in a situation or a chronic problem.

OK. So apparently I'm having some issues with loss of control and self-esteem over issues in my life. Of course, immediately, I can think of 3 things that I'm feeling "powerless" about:

1) My weight. I'm not bouncing back like so many lucky women after giving birth. It's now 10, almost 11 weeks past giving birth, and I cannot even squeeze a thigh into my old pre-PG jeans/pants/clothes. It's very depressing. I went from always having a "smaller" kind of figure, to wearing clothes that are literally twice the size of they were when I met and married CJ. Not that I feel like I'm unhealthy or overweight - that's not it - but I am dealing with this new body - the aftermath body that grew an incredibly large girl baby (who is in size 6-9 month sleepers already at only 2 1/2 months old) - so I need to remember I will not snap back into shape as soon as I'd like to. Its frustrating to me, though - and I just need to accept it. I've been working out - trying to get into a consistent work -out routine - but this has been tough with taking care of Keifer and now working this week and being out of town most of next week. CJ and I recently went on a large shopping spree at the Grocery store and loaded up on mostly carb-free foods - in hopes of assisting the belly to flatten a bit. *sigh* We'll see. I'm no spring chicken at 33 -- I have a feeling had I been 23 and hadn't went through 3 years of fertility drugs (which added about 10 pounds to my body before even getting PG) that I'd be back in those smaller sized pants by now. But - ask me if I regret gaining the 45 pounds I did during PG and I'll tell you truthfully - no way. I loved growing my girl inside my belly and was very blessed to be able to do so.

2) I'm at a loss of control over the fact that I have to go back to work in the Fall- actually, the end of summer, to be exact. The last week in August. The thought of it seriously hurts my heart - I literally feel the "twang" of sad anticipation and dread at leaving my girl for a full day at a time -after spending hours upon hours each day learning to see who she is developing into and being able to teach her new things each day. I love her with every inch of my soul and I'm literally tearing up at the thought of going to work and teaching kids at school/work things that I could be at HOME doing with my own daughter. *sigh again* However, I know that we need me to work for my health insurance, and for the extra $$ that we need to pay off some things right now. And, quite possibly, in a few years, once we're in better financial straits, maybe I'll be able to enjoy my days at home with my girl. We'll see. I do know I'm comfortable leaving her in the home daycare we found - I really like the provider we've found and have a feeling that Keifer will learn lots by being there, and best of all, will become acclimated to a social setting with other children, who will be a variety of ages. Social skills are HUGE in today's society, and that is a plus about me leaving her *(and I'll only be literally 3 minutes away at work, so maybe I can sneak over and visit at lunch?)*.

3) I'm powerless about my fertility. I've mentioned before in previous posts- I want to have another baby and I'm fearful of how we 'll accomplish that. I know that Keifer is only 2 months old and I need to just sit, relax and enjoy her first year at least, without worrying about the "what ifs" in our future. However, I want her to have a sibling, and preferable closer in age, rather than farther apart. I may have said I never wanted to go through the birthing process again after I went through it, but now I'm ready to grow another baby in my belly. I want to feel those kicks and flutters and hear the heartbeat, and know that we will meet another little angel of our own. I'm just not sure if we'll be one of those "lucky couples" that miraculously conceive on their own after undergoing years of fertility treatments and assisted pregnancies. Should we think about adoption? Should we pursue donor eggs again? And, if so, should we do it anonymously? Who knows. What will be will be, and I know God will show us the path that He wants us to take when the time is right. I sure do hope, though, that the path He wants us to take involves more than one child, and that it will be as clear to us as it was that we were to use Mooshie as our egg angel in conceiving Keifer.

the ride on the crazy dream train continues.......

Last night, I had more wild and wacky dreams. Oye. This was a doozy, though. I was back in Duluth, at my parents home, talking about a new summer job. I was about to go on an interview for it, when I realized I had to spit out my teeth! And not just a loose tooth - many teeth and parts of teeth came out in my hand. I was in turmoil about these missing teeth, as to why they were coming out, and how horrible my mouth looked. Ugg. It was so freaky. This isn't the first time teeth have been in my dream, so I wonder what that signifies?
The dream continued, with me partaking in some party fun with the high school friends I haven't seen in ages. For some reason, I realized I was rollerblading down a hallway (while PG, mind you - must be the wrist splints I wear for my carpal tunnel - I tell CJ I'm going rollerblading when I wear them) -- and suddenly I had to make a quick stop, so I crashed into a hill. It wasn't just a little crash - it was a HUGE crash. One that made me worry about how Keifer was doing inside me. Then I saw some friends over to the right of the hill, and as I tried to call out to them for help, I then realized I couldn't move my head and speak, right before I threw up. It was so weird. In the dream, my mom suddenly showed up and reported to me that the reason I couldn't move, and was throwing up was because the crash had caused pre-term labor to start. Nice! I was all worried because in my dream I couldn't feel Keifer - but then suddenly I could feel her flipping around (I wonder if she was flipping around while I was sleeping?),so then I felt reassured.
Yes, I definitely have a vivid mind at night. Sometimes I'm eager to see what I'll dream about, while others I'm a bit worried about how I might feel when I wake up.

What?

Can someone please explain to me what the hell Hank Azaria was doing in my dream? *perplexed*
He was "courting" me -- weird!

wild and wacky dreams

As I've stated before, I've always had wild and wacky dreams my whole life. But being PG has made some of them even MORE wild and wacky. The other day at work, somebody asked me if I was dreaming about having my baby yet, or dreaming about the gender of Keifer. Honestly, I have NOT had any baby dreams whatsoever.
Until last night.
I had a dream last night about friends from LONG ago in my life - like elementary school and high school. I dreamed I was visiting them and one of them had a baby that had quite a mouthful of teeth. Everytime she handed the baby to me to hold, the baby would chomp with those little teeth - onto my shoulder or onto my leg. And not let go! And the weird thing, it hurt! Yes, that is weird.
The other part included another friend that had a baby, and everytime she handed HER baby to me,I would drop it. I could NOT get a hold of this baby, and it usually dropped head first. There I was, desperately trying to grab a decent hold on this infant, and the head kept swinging away from me. At one point, the head bumped the ground, and the mom was like "its OK". It was so freaky.
I sure hope this is just a nightmare and not signs of what might come. LOL.

More Dreams

Poor CJ. Not only does he have to deal with my constant whining about my morning sickness, frequent headaches, and wardrobe choices, but he also has to deal with my freaky dreams. LOL. I know he thinks I'm a nut job, but I had the craziest, vivid dream last night. I compare it VERY MUCH to the plot line of McDreamy-Meridith-Finn- and Addison on Grey's Anatomy!

In my dream, I was "with" CJ, but not sure if that meant married or boyfriend/girlfriend. Apparently I was also considered Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend, but I was leaving Matthew to go be with CJ. Matthew lived on a boat (?) or something and he also had another girlfriend (would this be the Addison?). I remember crying and crying to Matthew about something (?), and then I was driving with CJ up and down Grand Avenue in West Duluth of my hometown (Duluth). My cell phone kept ringing, and CJ was telling me to ignore the phone, as it was Matthew continuing to call me.

Yes, I have the wacky dreams, they make no sense. But its always fun to be fought over by your hubby and Matthew McConaughey! LOL.

Fish, teeth and drugs

And the crazy dreams continue. On Sunday, CJ and I went shopping on Grand Avenue in St. Paul, which is a well known street for many shops and great restaurants. One of my favorite restaurants on Grand Avenue is called the Tavern on Grand and is famous for their walleye ( the MN state fish, a wonderful fish, yum). I love love love Tavern on Grand's shore lunch: lots of good food at a great price. I mentioned to CJ since we were on Grand Avenue, maybe we'd have lunch there. We ended up not doing that, but that night, I had a dream about eating walleye. I dreamt that I was eating walleye, and I got a bone stuck in between two of my bottom front teeth. I was picking the bone out and as I was doing this, the two teeth came out and left me with a bleeding, sore mouth. I was in Duluth at my parents' home in my dream and I remember I was using the kitchen phone to call my dentist office (the one I went to growing up) to try and get my teeth fixed. In the meantime, the bloody spots that were left in my mouth wouldn't quit bleeding. LOL. All because of that damn fish bone.

So imagine my surprise and amusement when, Monday morning, CJ informed me that he had talked to his brother, Corey , and we would be going over to Corey and Jill's that afternoon to have a walleye fish fry. LOL. Yes, it was pretty ironic. The fish was delicious, but you can bet your bottom dollar I was anal about checking for bones.
My SIL (sister in law) Jill also told me that she used to have dreams when SHE was PG about losing her teeth. I wondered what that may have symbolized, as some may say that dreams represent something more.
This is what I found :

teeth - Falling out: Loss of control over certain aspects of one's life. Powerlessness, unable to influence things or the outcome of things important. Loss of self-esteem in a situation or a chronic problem.

Now, I am not sure if there really truly IS a meaning here, but I guess there could be a few reasons I'm dreaming about losing teeth. Another site I found mentioned my lack of control and worry about my appearance --so I guess one could say that 1) I'm worried about my body image, as I lose my waist and tummy to the PG bulge, and 2) that maybe I'm worried about the PG, as I have no control over any of it and what may happen. Or, it may have something to do with work, as I am back full time now, and it is a BUSY work year already, with lots going on.
Discuss amongst yourselves.

Last night, I was overcome with worry again that something might happen. I'm not sure why, but I was suddenly sad and scared to death that Keifer might not grow as he/she should and maybe I could lose him/her. Do not ask me where that came from, but it was weird.

I went to bed OK, but again, had STRANGE and funky dreams. This time, I dreamt that my mom was using drugs (oh mom, you'll love this one). She was running around (again, in my childhood home), and sneaking around getting high. Get this: the drug she was using was called "Hail". It was smoked similar to I guess a water bong, but it was a metal thing shaped like a toilet paper tube, and she put the drugs into that. I was so pissed off at her in my dream for doing drugs, and she disappeared for awhile in it. While she was gone, I was with my dad and two of my old friends, and my dad was filling me in on how the family had tried to get my mom into rehab for her "Hail" addiction, but she managed to outsmart them. When my mom came back, I kept trying to slap her across her face to tell her to STOP the drugs, and I was yelling at her that she could NOT see Baby Bongo if she was doing drugs and I kept crying.

So strange. Of course, I woke up all freaked out and with a headache. Too much thinking and worrying, I guess, about Baby Bongo's grandma's addiction to "hail". LOL
I hope my dreams get cheerier in the near future!