Thursday, April 17, 2008

Yearning to be knocked up

I have had baby fever BAD lately. Yes, we're signed up for IVF with Donor Eggs round 2. Yes, we're on the waiting list for an anonymous donor, and yes, we're hoping and praying it works sometime later summer/early fall. But man oh man, I have the yearning so bad. It almost is a pain in my ovaries (my non-compliant ovaries). Recently, on my mommy message board, there was a new pregnancy announced, and once again (as it seems to be happening around me lately), very little time was put into trying for this baby. Don't get me wrong: I'm not in the least bit holding any grudges or ill will towards the newly PG mama-to-be-again. What I am feeling is jealousy. Desire. Anger at my own non-functioning body. Yearning for a baby inside of ME.

There is a baby boy at Keifer's child care, who is the sweetest little baby ever (besides my K). He is beautiful: always smiley( like my girl), big blue eyes, big dimpled grin. So sweet. So small. Going through all the milestones that K just went through. I want to go through them again. Call me greedy: yes, my daughter just turned one year old and still has MANY milestones to cover. But I am baby HUNGRY. It is this innate hunger: this NEED for a baby to be MINE, held in my arms, rocking to sleep at night (alongside our angel K).

I had a dream this past weekend - I can't remember if it was Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. Truthfully, this weekend was a blur in time for me. It was a very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was PG, naturally, with no donor eggs. It was a huge (obviously) surprise and a huge joyous occasion for CJ and I (in my dream). I even could FEEL the twinges of PG in my uterine area. I remember the dream very vividly: celebrating, seeing the gestational sac on the ultrasound, feeling the flutter of the baby inside me. I woke up feeling so disappointed and so very sad. Sad that this wasn't the truth, it was only a dream.

Ironically, a few days later, a girl on my mommy message board called me out to tell me that she had a dream the night before that I was PG and it had happened naturally. Now, if I wasn't on the pill, and if I KNEW it wasn't logistically possible right now, I would've called that a huge sign. A sign that maybe, just maybe, someone in the higher ups somehow was trying to tell me something. As many of you know, I'm a huge believer is "signs". But it is not the case, and it is not true, and that fact alone makes me feel sad yet again.

Yes, I'm a happy woman. I have a wonderful supportive DH, a beautiful, smart baby girl, and two beloved fur kids that make me laugh every night. I have all I ever wanted. But to be sad about not being PG for the 2nd time, and to be pissed off at my own body for not allowing me the ease and carelessness to be ABLE to get PG without assistance, or another woman's eggs (for cripes sakes); well, I have a right to be feeling like this. I'm acknowledging my hurt and disappointment, and yes, it is OK to feel like this. Especially when my life's dream (and CJ's) was to have a family together, meaning more than one child if possible.

Last night, I woke up CJ with my talking in my sleep. I rarely talk in my sleep, so if I do, I must have been worked up about something. I don't know why I was/am worked up, but apparently subconsciously I am. I then woke myself up, yelling out "Bitch!". "Bitch". Hmmm. To whom in my dream, was I saying this to, and why? I honestly don't know. My body? The clinic? A PG woman? Hmmm. It makes me chuckle to remember this, but at the same time, what is going on in this crazy head of mine?

Who knows. Maybe I have deep seeded issues with the waiting game we are now a part of again. The waiting for the clinic to contact us with the news that they possibly MIGHT have an egg donor for us. The waiting for the process to get started. The waiting as the meds are fine tuned and started. The waiting to see if any eggs are retrieved. The waiting to see if we have embryos to transfer. And the waiting to see if I become 'knocked up" again, and have another successful PG.

Please keep us in your prayers. I feel greedy. Greedy that I am so selfishly asking for the prayers for another baby.


Cindy said...


DMB ( said...

I wish your body were working for you, too. :( Wishing you all the best during this difficult wait to expand your family.


kristine said...

I don't even know the right words to say as I don't even know the pain you have endured to get where you are and to have what you want so badly. I hope everything works out for you guys - you deserve it so much!

Michele (Moosh) said...


I wish I could give more than hugs right now. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make you pregnant. I guess, for now, hugs from afar will have to do.


MIP said...

I'm glad that you are willing to openly embrace these feelings, you have every right to feel this way. I hope you guys get some good news soon:)

Marketing Mama said...

Wow - lots going on in your head. This may sound lame, but maybe you should take a benedryl or unisom tonight to knock you out a little more and get a good night sleep!

I hope you find some peace very soon!

Piccinigirl said...

you never have to ask me for prayers, you are never far from my thoughts, esp lately. While I know that you are thinking about this so much, my heart tells me that it will happen again and you'll hold another baby sweetie.

Pegs said...

I think about you quite often and really wish that I could find the way to make your dreams come true. You spill your heart out in this blog and are so honest that I even hurt imagining what you are actually going through. You have my daily thoughts and prayers always.


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