Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Toothy dreams (again)

I have a very vivid imagination and when I sleep, I really dream some wild and crazy dreams. Most of them have no apparent point to them and involve lots of crazy people and activities. When I was pregnant, it seemed as though my dreams got even more wacky.

Well, this past weekend I had another doozy of a night on Saturday. The dreams started out with me attending an "up close and personal" Motley Crue concert (?? what ?? LOL), and then it moved into me having my teeth fall out (after drinking some sort of "toxic" drinks, mind you). Back in September, I had
wild dreams about my teeth falling out, and apparently, the symbolism of my teeth falling out may have something to do with losing control over certain aspects of my life -- here is the definition again:

teeth - Falling out: Loss of control over certain aspects of one's life. Powerlessness, unable to influence things or the outcome of things important. Loss of self-esteem in a situation or a chronic problem.
OK. So apparently I'm having some issues with loss of control and self-esteem over issues in my life. Of course, immediately, I can think of 3 things that I'm feeling "powerless" about:
1) My weight. I'm not bouncing back like so many lucky women after giving birth. It's now 10, almost 11 weeks past giving birth, and I cannot even squeeze a thigh into my old pre-PG jeans/pants/clothes. It's very depressing. I went from always having a "smaller" kind of figure, to wearing clothes that are literally twice the size of they were when I met and married CJ. Not that I feel like I'm unhealthy or overweight - that's not it - but I am dealing with this new body - the aftermath body that grew an incredibly large girl baby (who is in size 6-9 month sleepers already at only 2 1/2 months old) - so I need to remember I will not snap back into shape as soon as I'd like to. Its frustrating to me, though - and I just need to accept it. I've been working out - trying to get into a consistent work -out routine - but this has been tough with taking care of Keifer and now working this week and being out of town most of next week. CJ and I recently went on a large shopping spree at the Grocery store and loaded up on mostly carb-free foods - in hopes of assisting the belly to flatten a bit. *sigh* We'll see. I'm no spring chicken at 33 -- I have a feeling had I been 23 and hadn't went through 3 years of fertility drugs (which added about 10 pounds to my body before even getting PG) that I'd be back in those smaller sized pants by now. But - ask me if I regret gaining the 45 pounds I did during PG and I'll tell you truthfully - no way. I loved growing my girl inside my belly and was very blessed to be able to do so.
2) I'm at a loss of control over the fact that I have to go back to work in the Fall- actually, the end of summer, to be exact. The last week in August. The thought of it seriously hurts my heart - I literally feel the "twang" of sad anticipation and dread at leaving my girl for a full day at a time -after spending hours upon hours each day learning to see who she is developing into and being able to teach her new things each day. I love her with every inch of my soul and I'm literally tearing up at the thought of going to work and teaching kids at school/work things that I could be at HOME doing with my own daughter. *sigh again* However, I know that we need me to work for my health insurance, and for the extra $$ that we need to pay off some things right now. And, quite possibly, in a few years, once we're in better financial straits, maybe I'll be able to enjoy my days at home with my girl. We'll see. I do know I'm comfortable leaving her in the home daycare we found - I really like the provider we've found and have a feeling that Keifer will learn lots by being there, and best of all, will become acclimated to a social setting with other children, who will be a variety of ages. Social skills are HUGE in today's society, and that is a plus about me leaving her *(and I'll only be literally 3 minutes away at work, so maybe I can sneak over and visit at lunch?)*.
3) I'm powerless about my fertility. I've mentioned before in previous posts- I want to have another baby and I'm fearful of how we 'll accomplish that. I know that Keifer is only 2 months old and I need to just sit, relax and enjoy her first year at least, without worrying about the "what ifs" in our future. However, I want her to have a sibling, and preferable closer in age, rather than farther apart. I may have said I never wanted to go through the birthing process again after I went through it, but now I'm ready to grow another baby in my belly. I want to feel those kicks and flutters and hear the heartbeat, and know that we will meet another little angel of our own. I'm just not sure if we'll be one of those "lucky couples" that miraculously conceive on their own after undergoing years of fertility treatments and assisted pregnancies. Should we think about adoption? Should we pursue donor eggs again? And, if so, should we do it anonymously? Who knows. What will be will be, and I know God will show us the path that He wants us to take when the time is right. I sure do hope, though, that the path He wants us to take involves more than one child, and that it will be as clear to us as it was that we were to use Mooshie as our egg angel in conceiving Keifer.

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