Friday, July 14, 2006

The Warriors

It's 10:30 PM, the night before my ET, and suddenly, all the anxiety and fear I thought I had managed to get rid of this week has surfaced. Oh my God. In 13 hours, we will possible be PG. I'm scared to death. Chris is scared. Nervous. He has drank more than 2 beers tonight, signaling to me that he is feeling stress and worry. He has admitted to me twice now he's nervous about this, and if we DO manage to get PG, he's all worried about miscarriage, etc..
I just told my friend Faye, and Mooshie as well, I was surprised at myself, at my lack of "fear" and not having really any nerves about this whole process. Watching the ER on Wednesday was somewhat nerve wracking, but more "cool" in a scientific way. I almost felt detached from the reality that those eggs Moosh had are "our" eggs. Oh my God. But suddenly, its all crept up on me and decided to perch inside my stomach.

I had Chris upload my two favorite "unwinding" CD's to the MP3 player -- a Zen CD that I burned from my coworker and a "
Sound Healing" CD, also borrowed and burned from another coworker. The music of these CD's manages to lull me into tranquility. I plan on having the MP3 player tomorrow, beside the 3 Advil and 2 Valium that the clinic is having me take beforehand. I am planning on listening to this tranquil,soothing music while Coco and Bongo are being inserted into my waiting uterus. Relax, little embies, get comfortable and listen to the nice music.

I just wish the clinic would tell us how many eggs fertilized. Up until this very moment, I hadn't' thought about it. Moosh told me she can't stop thinking about it, but I think the fact that SHE was the one having the procedures done to, helped cut me out of the worry-loop. Now that I'm' on stage *or in stirrups* tomorrow AM, now it's reality setting in. Its time. Time to see if I can hold on to embryos that will be placed inside my *hopefully* fluffy uterus (*pillow soft just for my pal, Veebs*). Now Chris and I are wondering how many fertilized and geesh, how many are going to make it to freeze? So many unanswered questions out there about all this (including the huge one, will it work now?).

I'm in tears. Where did they come from. Why is this fear creeping up my throat and threatening to choke me with emotion? I had Reiki again today, and it helped me tremendously. I plan on having it done again on Monday, when my 2 days of required bed rest is done. I need it to help my body unwind and give me some peace throughout my body , or at least to give me a head start on the peace factor.

*Deep breath* Ok. I'm off to bed. Off to relax, count sheep, and dream positive thoughts of babies and dogs. I know the prayers of all our supporters will hold us up and get us through these next few weeks. I also had a sign today: the first song I heard on the radio as I was driving to my chiro appointment was the 80's tune by Scandal: "The Warrior". I joke on my one message board (the one where the women oh-SO-generously contributed $$ for me and Chris), that they are Mooshie and I's "Prayer Warriors". I say that this song should be our theme song. So hearing this song the first thing today in my car, it literally shot a BOLT of excitement through my body and I literally laughed out loud. Yes. "The prayer warriors" are doing their job and we will be surrounded by love and support, come what may come.

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