Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I don't think it's good

I've been trying. Trying so hard. Imaging hot glue guns, white clouds, I did Reiki weekly, plus the day before my ET and then 2 days after. I was so positive, glowing with love for Moosh and CJ.

We had a fantastic weekend up north. I'll write later about that.

For now. I can't breathe. I promised CJ I would NOT test without him. But after 2 ladies on a TTC board I'm on got their Donor Egg BFPs in the past 2 days, I had to know. The three of us were on that board for over 2 years, original members, and all first time at Donor Egg cycles. The two of them got their BFPs and for that I'm thrilled beyond belief. I was actually sick to my stomach yesterday waiting for the 2nd one to post her beta results.

I had my first beta this AM, at 10dp3dt. There should be HCG in my system, right? I couldn't handle it. Last night I was shaking, sick to my stomach for myself and convinced I 'm not PG, because it's only a 50/50 shot of working, and now that 2/3 of us on my TTC board got PG, I'd have to be in the minority, right? Well, I cheated on CJ. I came home and immediately (actually, VERY pyschotically) peed on 4 tests. Internet tests that a friend of mine had gotten her BFP on at only 8 or 9DPO. Nothing. Not even a hint of a line. I'll pee on another "better" test as soon as my bladder fills us.

I'm bawling. Trembling. A mess. I made a huge mistake in doing this without CJ, because now I've ruined HIS day. I feel horrible for that. I called him and apologized, then told him. He could barely speak and now he's on his way home. FUCK. Now I've ruined HIS day, I so didn't want to do that. I made sure my furkids have their new nylabones to chew.

I can't even post about this. I'm so sad.


What the fuck will we do? What will we do? OMG.

I'm just hanging by the thread that the tests were cheap, not sensitive enough, and I really could be PG. After all the hundreds of prayers and love and support, why would God NOT answer my prayer? I've been calling to him for 3 years now, plus praying about a big family since age 5. Why would He do this to me? WHY WHY WHY?

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