Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door

Lately I've been thinking about CJ and I and what exactly our plan in life is. I don't mean what we WANT our life to be, complete with a house, 2 dogs, and 2 kids, but what the big Man upstairs has planned. I know that we have to let go and let things happen as they are supposed to , but I still wonder sometimes why must it be US that goes through these painful, emotional times, and what exactly is the lesson behind all this? Why must we endure heartache for so many years? Why is it seemingly so easy for some people to just try once or twice and have a baby, while it takes other years and many tears to maybe even get just one baby?

Before I met CJ, I was what I considered to be a "serial dater", meaning I dated friends of friends, guys I met out, guys I met online on Match.com, and none of them ever seemed to be looking for the same things I was. I wanted to be in a committed relationship, with a plan of having kids and dogs. Sure, they might have said they wanted that, but when the pressure was on, they crumbled. Chris came along and was different from all the rest. He was real and he wanted what I wanted. I was looking through CJ and I's early emails to each other tonight: the emails we passed between each other the first few months we were together. I asked Chris tonight where the man in those emails went? LOL. We were clearly both so excited about starting our new relationship and you can feel the nerves, the tension, the excitedness, the happy joy in reading those emails. I'm glad I kept them.

CJ and I knew within a month that we wanted a future together and we wanted our future to have children. I had waited for years to find a man like him. I had put up with friends' comments about how I was looking too hard, I was expecting too much, I needed to just relax and let things happen as they may. (hmm, sounds like similar things they said when we were TTC as well) But when you are a "Professional Bridesmaid" 12-13 times, and watch all your friends get married, or remarried, you start to get jealous and long for a partner of your own to share your life with. I was tired of living my "single" life in my apartment alone.

Right before I met CJ, I had gone to church with a friend of mine, after I had just been dumped for the zillionth time by yet another guy who wasn't sure he was ready to be "serious". I was heartbroken and feeling like I was unwanted and incapable of being loved for who I was and what I wanted. I went to church with my girlfriend, and that day was a day of people's testimonials. I listened to people talking about giving themselves up to God's plan, and right there, in her church, I prayed. I prayed hard and long and I got teary-eyed praying. I begged God to let me find peace within myself for being alone for the time being, and I prayed that He would show me the man who I was supposed to be with. I literally "gave up" and decided I was done trying to seek the man for myself. Two days later, Chris wrote to me via my Match.com profile I had recently re-done and dangled out there online, to see "who would bite". Chris was looking for what I wanted, and so we WERE a perfect match. We do compliment each other well.

When we first started TTC, I knew we 'might' have problems. I didn't anticipate all the heartache or struggle, though. We started out praying more back then, much more than we probably do now. I would tell everybody we were trying for a baby. I rubbed PG bellies and assumed that soon, something HAD to happen, right? Every night, CJ would place his hands on my tummy and we would pray to St. Gerard:

Good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, we call upon you and seek your aid. You know that this marriage has not yet been blessed with a child and how much Chris and Carrie desire this gift. Please present these fervent pleas to the Creator of Life, from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless this couple with a child whom they may raise as His child and heir of heaven. Amen.

Sometime, Treble would even lay his paws across my belly, not realizing what we were doing. Chris and I would laugh, and say that Treble wanted a baby in the house, too. But now that its almost been three years, the laughter and joy in our remarks is gone. Now I feel like wild-eyed, desperate, emotional, snappy woman, who has given up on assuming it 'will' happen. However, this past Sunday, our pastor said goodbye to our church. It was an emotional service, and Chris and I were so sad to see her leave. But in her final scripture reading, she read this:

Matthew 7:7-8: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

Was this a sign? Chris tells me I read too much into things about "signs", but I truly believe that there are signs in this world telling us how to follow our God-planned paths, we just have to be aware of them. This is how God answers our prayers. I feel Mooshie was a God given angel offered to us to use her eggs to make OUR baby, I truly do. Should we go back to praying hard and asking God to give us the baby we so desired? This scripture excited me, and when I got home Sunday, I was driven to open up my bedside Bible and find the quotes I used to rely on daily to help myself trust that I will be mommy:

Psalm 18:6: In my distress, I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple, he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Proverbs 3:-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

and my favorite, because we had this as part of our wedding ceremony (I truly believe this is appropriate for Chris and I):

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"Plans to give you hope and a future". I gave up years ago on finding somebody and along came Chris two days later. Maybe if I finally "let go" and realize that I will be a mom, someday, somehow, God will let me know my future. That is what makes me believe finally this might happen with all this hubbub with Mooshie. This was not the path I had envisioned myself going down, using donor eggs. I was devastated to have to resort to not using my own eggs, to know that our child would not have my genetics as part of their make up. But I came to peace about it. And its also what gives ME the strength to know that even if we do NOT get PG with donor eggs this time, quite possibly our paths will be to adopt. We will know one way or another sooner than later, and for this, I am grateful.