Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door

Lately I've been thinking about CJ and I and what exactly our plan in life is. I don't mean what we WANT our life to be, complete with a house, 2 dogs, and 2 kids, but what the big Man upstairs has planned. I know that we have to let go and let things happen as they are supposed to , but I still wonder sometimes why must it be US that goes through these painful, emotional times, and what exactly is the lesson behind all this? Why must we endure heartache for so many years? Why is it seemingly so easy for some people to just try once or twice and have a baby, while it takes other years and many tears to maybe even get just one baby?

Before I met CJ, I was what I considered to be a "serial dater", meaning I dated friends of friends, guys I met out, guys I met online on Match.com, and none of them ever seemed to be looking for the same things I was. I wanted to be in a committed relationship, with a plan of having kids and dogs. Sure, they might have said they wanted that, but when the pressure was on, they crumbled. Chris came along and was different from all the rest. He was real and he wanted what I wanted. I was looking through CJ and I's early emails to each other tonight: the emails we passed between each other the first few months we were together. I asked Chris tonight where the man in those emails went? LOL. We were clearly both so excited about starting our new relationship and you can feel the nerves, the tension, the excitedness, the happy joy in reading those emails. I'm glad I kept them.

CJ and I knew within a month that we wanted a future together and we wanted our future to have children. I had waited for years to find a man like him. I had put up with friends' comments about how I was looking too hard, I was expecting too much, I needed to just relax and let things happen as they may. (hmm, sounds like similar things they said when we were TTC as well) But when you are a "Professional Bridesmaid" 12-13 times, and watch all your friends get married, or remarried, you start to get jealous and long for a partner of your own to share your life with. I was tired of living my "single" life in my apartment alone.

Right before I met CJ, I had gone to church with a friend of mine, after I had just been dumped for the zillionth time by yet another guy who wasn't sure he was ready to be "serious". I was heartbroken and feeling like I was unwanted and incapable of being loved for who I was and what I wanted. I went to church with my girlfriend, and that day was a day of people's testimonials. I listened to people talking about giving themselves up to God's plan, and right there, in her church, I prayed. I prayed hard and long and I got teary-eyed praying. I begged God to let me find peace within myself for being alone for the time being, and I prayed that He would show me the man who I was supposed to be with. I literally "gave up" and decided I was done trying to seek the man for myself. Two days later, Chris wrote to me via my Match.com profile I had recently re-done and dangled out there online, to see "who would bite". Chris was looking for what I wanted, and so we WERE a perfect match. We do compliment each other well.

When we first started TTC, I knew we 'might' have problems. I didn't anticipate all the heartache or struggle, though. We started out praying more back then, much more than we probably do now. I would tell everybody we were trying for a baby. I rubbed PG bellies and assumed that soon, something HAD to happen, right? Every night, CJ would place his hands on my tummy and we would pray to St. Gerard:

Good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, we call upon you and seek your aid. You know that this marriage has not yet been blessed with a child and how much Chris and Carrie desire this gift. Please present these fervent pleas to the Creator of Life, from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless this couple with a child whom they may raise as His child and heir of heaven. Amen.

Sometime, Treble would even lay his paws across my belly, not realizing what we were doing. Chris and I would laugh, and say that Treble wanted a baby in the house, too. But now that its almost been three years, the laughter and joy in our remarks is gone. Now I feel like wild-eyed, desperate, emotional, snappy woman, who has given up on assuming it 'will' happen. However, this past Sunday, our pastor said goodbye to our church. It was an emotional service, and Chris and I were so sad to see her leave. But in her final scripture reading, she read this:

Matthew 7:7-8: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

Was this a sign? Chris tells me I read too much into things about "signs", but I truly believe that there are signs in this world telling us how to follow our God-planned paths, we just have to be aware of them. This is how God answers our prayers. I feel Mooshie was a God given angel offered to us to use her eggs to make OUR baby, I truly do. Should we go back to praying hard and asking God to give us the baby we so desired? This scripture excited me, and when I got home Sunday, I was driven to open up my bedside Bible and find the quotes I used to rely on daily to help myself trust that I will be mommy:

Psalm 18:6: In my distress, I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple, he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Proverbs 3:-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

and my favorite, because we had this as part of our wedding ceremony (I truly believe this is appropriate for Chris and I):

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"Plans to give you hope and a future". I gave up years ago on finding somebody and along came Chris two days later. Maybe if I finally "let go" and realize that I will be a mom, someday, somehow, God will let me know my future. That is what makes me believe finally this might happen with all this hubbub with Mooshie. This was not the path I had envisioned myself going down, using donor eggs. I was devastated to have to resort to not using my own eggs, to know that our child would not have my genetics as part of their make up. But I came to peace about it. And its also what gives ME the strength to know that even if we do NOT get PG with donor eggs this time, quite possibly our paths will be to adopt. We will know one way or another sooner than later, and for this, I am grateful.


Lori said...

Carrie, this post brought tears to my eyes! I know you WILL be a mom someday... and you will be an awesome mom.

I have had the same experience you have in terms of getting what you want once you finally "let go". I recently went back and re-read a diary entry I had made a couple months before Maurice and I got engaged. Maurice and I had been dating 3 or so years and I was getting antsy to move our relationship to the next level. In my diary, I wrote that I had told a good friend about how I was going to give up and break off the relationship if we weren't engaged by the new year.

She had told me, "Lori, you need to totally believe right now that he is the man you are going to marry. Think of him as your husband already. It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't think of what-ifs." I can't say that I followed her advice exactly because I started entertaining thoughts of being single again and how I would spend my time. It seems contradictory to say this... but I did both. I believed it would happen yet also entertained thoughts of an entirely different dimension of time. I became at peace with both scenarios.

Two months later, on December 16th, 15 days before my "deadline", Maurice proposed marriage.

Like you, I totally believe in the power of giving up and letting God/the Universe/Nature take its course.

(By the way, I met Maurice on Match.com!)

Laura said...

Sending you huge ((HUGS)) and lots of prayers, Carrie.

BJO said...

The song that comes to mind as I read your entry for today, is I Surrender All. I think you're in the right mindset here. Turning it over to God is the hardest thing to do, I know. He will be there for you and for Chris. I took the pastor's reading as a sign too.

Be strong! Love, BJO

I Surrender All

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In his presence daily live.

I surrender all, I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken,
Take me Jesus, take me now.

I surrender all, I surrender all;
All to thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

Piccinigirl said...

I love your blog and I love how it is helping you to say everything from your heart. Some days I wish I had that kind of strength. I know that good things are coming for you, goodness knows you're "knockin" and I believe it will be opened this time.
Your heart, your faith inspire me, I hope you know that.

Michele said...

I have this posted all over my house....closet doors, computer monitors, under my pillow....

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

That is definitely the big thing to remember! HUGS!

Emilie said...

I take strength from your faith, too, Carrie. {{{HUGS}}}

It's funny that you had that experience with CJ. I met Steve at a time when I had just come off a painful, very-bad-for-me "relationship" and had kind of sworn off serious relationships, feeling like for once I was OK with being alone for a while. And then, as chance would have it ... Steve came into my life when I completely wasn't expecting to meet anyone, and it was so right.

Jamie said...

I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now and I really enjoy it. Your pregnancy updates are great. I am interested in more information about your background and how you got to donor eggs. Did you go through previous IVF cycles? Did you not stim? Did you have poor egg quality?

We will be doing our 5th IVF round and adding PGD. We will do round 5 and 6 and then our next step will be donor egg or adoption. I am looking for advice and someone to discuss the donor egg issues with. If you are interested please send me an email jamie_weitl@yahoo.com.


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