Sunday, October 20, 2013

Watching them grow....a guest post......

Years ago, I used to dance with Keifer at "Baby Ballroom". We got to meet new friends, whom we stayed in contact with, and we also met a cool, amazing, loving teacher names Meghan. We adored Meghan, and she adored(adores!) kids.
My Keifer loved her so, and Meghan was kind enough to come and do 3 of our girls' birthday parties for us (for a fee). They were awesome, and I love following Meghan's life on Facebook.
Facebook is a tool that I love to use for keeping up with all my friends- near or far.
A few weeks ago, Meghan posted something for her kids, and it brought tears to my eyes.
I asked her if I could post it on my blog, and she agreed.
So here it is.
I hope you can see how you might relate to her feelings on this.
Having dealt with the "will we or won't we" have kids someday emotions, I felt so connected to her words. I DO treasure every little thing my girls do and sometimes feel like I hoard things, because I don't want to forget ANYTHING from these times in our lives!

 Enjoy her writing:
Both of my children are too big now, have been for years, for me to pick up and carry. And when the time came, I am really glad that I was not aware that it was the last time. The days of transporting them from here to there had passed, so the last time was probably little check-in cuddle... the kind I felt pulled to do when I see my child standing alone. I'd hook my hands under their armpits, ...they'd give a little helpful jump, then wrap their thin legs around my waist, and lay their heads in the crook of my neck. All too soon, they'd unhook, slide down and run off.

I feel more comfortable when I am able to shower affection. Which is, I think, why I am so drawn to babies. Someone to love and care for them is kinda all they need. But those babies grow up, and need stupid things like "freedom" and "the ability to make a mistake" and, worst of all, "a life of their own".

I work hard at practicing the whole "if you love something, set it free" principle, and I try not to get over-emotionally attached to people and things. But it is difficult for me. When I have something that I love and feel is important, I hold on tight. And not just people... for me, there is a security (that feels necessary at the time) that I feel when I keep an object that may be meaningless to anyone else. Because of a memory it becomes a part of me. (Shell topping bottle, anyone?) Luckily for Adam, I also love to purge, so our house can not be featured on Hoarders. Plus, Adam is allergic to cats, so we can not have the prerequisite 17 cat corpses.

Holding onto my children though, is like trying to hold water in my cupped hands... no matter how hard I press my hands together, the water seeps through to the other side. With time, that so annoyingly marches on, comes changes with my two kids. After fruitless years of trying, I realized that I can not stop these transitions. But instead of feeling liberated by this discovery, I was filled with fear and sadness. It sounds weird, but I have painted many beautiful moments black by thinking "It is not going to be like this forever."

Luckily, I do not walk this journey alone. I have been blessed with many great teachers in my life: Adam and my kids, my parents, my sister, my friends and my Amy. With their help, I learned that I can not control the world, but I can control my reaction to it. I can choose to either ruin the moment by fearing it's end, or I can enjoy it for what it is. I can continue to mourn the past and fear the future... or I can open my eyes to the present. It is here right now, the gift of the moment. And I don't want to waste any more by worrying about them ending.

So, the last time those little legs unhooked and ran off, I am glad I was spared the emotions of knowing that was the last time. With a bit more maturity that only comes from passing time, now I can look back and be grateful. I happily take the couch cuddles and the sick snuggles. Full disclosure: I still occasionally think, "Someday, they are going to college and I won't be able to do this!"

But I think I'll do myself a favor and worry about tomorrow tomorrow, when it becomes my new today.

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