Wednesday, July 05, 2006

A Wednesday Dose of Disconnect

Bear with me. I'm feeling very contemplative again. The summer break, the lack of real STRESS (ie kids, parents, reports due, sleepiness, assessments, etc..) has allowed my body to shift into slow motion and I love it. It's funny, 3 years ago, Chris was jealous of my summer off, and gave me crap all the time about not working (although I did do some odd work for some $$). Now, when I sleep til 10:30 and am in Awe that my body is doing this (all this sleeping), now Chris is like, "good for you, let your body relax". Hee hee, that is a very positive part about the upcoming IVF cycle.
So now, get comfy, because this particular post got a bit out of hand *blush* . I didn't intend for this to get so long, but it did. I have lots of contemplative thoughts to get OUT.

  • Knowing just how much my family deals with depression and bipolar issues, etc., this causes me some concern sometimes, but I've always been on the "lookout" for any signs of depression inside myself. I don't want to be a bitter, depressed person. Hence, when my OB suggested I start anti-depressants after I broke down in her office about TTC, I jumped on it. I'm always very conscious of how I'm feeling. It kills me when I have that sharp, bitter, annoyance right inside me, I can feel it in my chest. For no reason, I get very sharp and bitter and angry in a split second. Then it's gone. I've been free of this annoyance for awhile, but being back on the estrogen lately is causing me to snap unnecessarily, and I've told CJ I don't mean to be a bitch. He understands, and I try not to say what is inside my head all the time.
  • And why the hell do we feel feelings , such as annoyance, hurt, fear, etc. Inside our chest? Huh? Like heartache. We all know our hearts don't really break when they are hurt, but why do we feel like somebody is reaching inside our chest and squeezing the life out of us? This question is always on my mind whenever we've had a failed cycle, or I've been told I need to figure out a different way to become a mommy.
  • Why the hell HAVE I been sleeping so damn much lately? Is it because of all the Reiki, massage, and eating right (for the most part?). Is my body resting for the final phase of this donor IVF cycle? I have not slept like I've been sleeping lately since my High school years. Seriously. I go to bed and sleep at least 10-12 hours every night. Weekend, I think I scare Sage, because she will continously come in to check on me, and half the time snuggle with me for a bit. Weird. The only thing I'll say that is negative about this all, is that I had every intention this summer of keeping to a workout routine at the gym, listing all the yoga and step classes I would be attending at the 9:00 ish hour. Um, so far, not happening. Ugg. And no, I do not like to set my alarm clock. *giggle*
  • Lately, I have been happy. Happier than I thought I'd be. It is most likely because Mooshie and Maddie will be here in like 2 days *clicks heels together in excitement*, but I think another reason is because we have so many people praying for us. I truly do believe that prayers make a difference and all the positive energy coming towards us has GOT to pay off for us. I'm happy, relaxed, and so full of love for people - my family, my husband, my neice and nephew, my friends, my angel Mooshie. Oh, my DOGS.
  • Plus, I try to be a good person. I have always been a big "softie". A person who wants to be friends with everybody, the social one when we go out. The one who tries to share everything with others (minus those Reese's Peanut butter bites, sorry CJ, you can't stop a woman on estrogen for those!*). The one who wants to befriend the underdog, because I always have feelings for the underdog (*poor underdog*). So after years of being nice to people, trying to be the best support I can, being a true and honest friend, and truly LOVING my friends, wouldn't you think Karma would come back somehow eventually into CJ and I's life? Or has it in other ways that we need to figure out? Hmmm.
  • I've said before, I love walking with the dogs. Its very calming and I can talk to them, laugh my ass off at them, get a mini-workout in, and admire nature with them. Lately, we've been calling Sage "bird hunter" because whenever she sees a bird, she'll crouch down low like she's hunting her prey, and then jump up to chase them. Of course, they fly away. Today on our walk, she was chasing a butterfly and it was hilarous. So fun to watch and enjoy her. And Treble-- oh, that boy was made for walks and car rides and sniffing. I tend to hurry him along with our first walk of the day, either to get my work out (heart rate up!) in, or to get them all pooped out (literally) so I can either go to work or go somewhere. In the summer, I can let them meander and sniff to their hearts content. Its fun to watch. It was especially funny today when of all things, Sager peed on TREBLE'S head. Imagine that. He usually has an accident with her head in the way. Nope, today, she was doing her 3 legged crouch to pee, and he for some reason, stuck HIS nose under HER, and managed to get a few drops of pee on his ear. If that isn't comedy, I don't know what it. Hee hee.
  • Poor Treble spent the last few nights in our closet, where CJ put his bed. The firewords set him off anxiety-wise. We got some anti-anxiety meds from the vet, so we've been giving him those, they seem to help a bit. Poor Tboy, only a few more days of neighbors blowing things apart.
  • Sometimes I wonder if we were meant to adopt when I look at the love CJ and I have for our furkids. Back in high school, I was looked at as crazy because I LOVED my Yorkie, Misty (aka Poopers to everybody who knew her), so damn much. I had that damn dog in my Graduation pictures. When Poopers died and I was unable to be there, I literally FELL to the floor on my hands and knees, sobbing. Why why why: WHY was I not able to be there to say goodbye? When CJ and I adopted Treble, or rather, when my tears broke him down enough to get the damn dog (*whom HE now loves more than life itself!*), I never thought my emotions for a DOG could be so intense. He is like my baby. I can clearly, vividly remember seeing him at Petco at the Pet adoption his rescue had (every weekend, Homeward Bound Rescue). I saw him, with his then-pink nose, sitting silently, quietly passive, with those somber, stoic eyes of his looking right into mine. He was in a cage/kennel along with about 5 or so other dogs; little dogs, yappy, jumpy dogs. But our Tboy just sat there, looking silently at me. CJ and I went to lunch after and I sobbed through my whole lunch (my birthday lunch!). We agreed that in a few weeks if he was still available we'd go take a look. Well, obviously it was meant for us to have him. Same thing with Sage. We love her SO much, and I like to THINK that the fact that both our dogs are so happy and loving to others is because we treat THEM so lovingly. Watching Sage with babies and toddlers is so heart-warming. She is so gentle and inquisitive of babies, and loves to be anywhere a toddler is. I love watching her with Mason (his "Sass"), and can't wait to see her with Maddie again soon. So that is why I think maybe God has a plan for us to adopt. I work with special education preschoolers. I love them wholeheartedly. If I can love them so much, our dogs so much, well, obviously I 'd love a child just as much and more, minus the fact they wouldn't be our flesh and blood.
  • Is having one Coke a day so bad? Why do I always feel so damn guilty drinking one damn Coke? I know its loaded with sugar (hey, I saw "Super Size Me" and wanted to vomit along with the rest of the audience). But the sharp sting of the first sip of an ice cold Coke, cannot be matched by any other food or indulgence in my life. Weird, eh?
  • I booked a one night Getaway for Chris and I last night. We will be in Duluth/Superior the weekend of July 20-23 for Chris's annual UWS hockey alumni reunion weekend. This year, my man (who knew he was such a superstar? *heart flutters*) is being honored and inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame (UWS). He is the 2nd all time leading scorer in UWS's hockey history (* yes, my feathers can puff out in pride, CJ*). So the festivities are done the 22nd, and I requested a getaway up the North Shore of Lake Superior for a night.; we'll leave the furkids with my parents. CJ agreed! Yay! I booked us a room at the Cove Point Lodge, a lakeside room, with a king size bed, deck facing the lake, and fire place for one night. We will hike the trails to the Split Rock Lighthouse (because in all my years growing up in Duluth, I've never explored the Split Rock Lighthouse, and after watching our 2nd favorite TV show, Treasure Hunters on Monday (where they went to a lighthouse), I wanted to enjoy some nature and beauty with my hubby). We can also rent canoes for free, and I love to canoe, though we 1) have a canoe and never go, and 2) I rarely talk about how I WANT to go. I'm hoping that this getaway will take my mind off the dreaded 2WW we'll be in -- hopefully the fresh air will convince my embryos to settle in for the long winters nap.
  • One final thought of disconnect. Yes, I tend to ramble. I could go on and on and on. CJ hates it when he gets home (well, not HATE, that is a strong word) but after being alone and only chatting with the dogs all day in the summer, I get so excited when he arrives home, so I bombard him with random, tangents of chatter (similar to my blog tangents? hmmm). So my final thought. Strong. I've been told before I am SO strong for what I've been through and how so many people can't imagine after all CJ and I have been through in trying to have a baby, how strong we are to keep going. I have to tell you, I do not FEEL strong, and if you could see how many tears and Kleenexes I've been through, I don't consider myself "strong'. I consider myself dedicated to achieving a child or two with my husband, because that has long been both of our dreams. Family is #1 in both our books, and I only struggle through all this so we can achieve that dream of having children of our own.
  • Oh. And thank you to any of you who might read this who put up with my talk of my Furkids. I love them and because you must like me, put up with my talk of them. But beware, if I can devote THIS much time and effort and projects to dogs, oye vay, what will I be like with kids? *giggle*


Angie said...

I have a good feeling Carrie! I'm going to keep the prayers coming! HUGS!!!

littleangelkisses said...

Thank you Carrie. I don't know how else to express it, but to say thank you. A LOT of your feelings are things I think or feel myself at times about other things. I appreciate your honesty and your sharing with me.


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