Tuesday, September 18, 2007

A heavy heart

I have a heavy heart tonight. No, not about Keifer. I have a few things weighing on my mind, and it makes my heart sad.

First, my student whose father passed away: well, he's been in school the past 2 weeks, and he is having a very difficult time of it. I teach early childhood special education, so he has qualified for extra help for delays in communication - understanding and expressing himself - and in his problem solving, cognitive skills, etc.. The fact that something like this happened to his daddy - his "best friend" (so he said), is heart wrenching. On top of it, his mother is 5 months Pregnant, and their family migrated here from another country as refugees. Well, today our little guy, he had a huge meltdown, and was sobbing, saying he wanted to hurt his mommy, because mommy hurt his daddy ( he saw his mommy doing CPR on his daddy and mistook it for 'hurting him'). He kept telling us daddy is dead. The family had the viewing and mass this past weekend, so I cannot imagine how his little brain is processing this. He has a difficult time understanding things as they are already, let alone that his father is "dead' and what is dead. He had a meltdown, sobbing today, and my coworkers and I felt like sobbing along with him. It hurts very much to see him in such pain, and while we're trying to help him, he mistakes it for something else, and gets angry with us, and lashes out. Please pray for him and his family.


And, on the other end of my constant thoughts is another baby.
I've never had what would be considered a regular menstrual cycle since I started getting AF (Aunt Flo) back when I was 13. I was regulated by the Pill for many, many years, and my attempts at getting off the pill only made me miserable, as my cycles would range anywhere from 12 days to 30+ days. A cycle is considered from the start of your period to the end of it, when the next period shows up. For 3 years, my body was regulated and controlled by drugs, shots, and hormones meant to help me conceive the child I wasn't able to create on my own. I was able to get PG easily enough - thank God, but I needed the drugs and manipulation to get me to that stage, as well as donor eggs. That is the biggest thing we needed - the help of somebody else's eggs, since mine weren't cooperative.

Since having baby K, I've had 3 'cycles', two of which might be considered somewhat regular- lasting 30 days or so, from start to finish. However, its' been since August 1st since I've gotten AF - making this cycle day 49 or something - and I had AF for 18 days in a row -translation, I bled for 18 days, and now AF is missing in action. And no, I'm not PG. It makes me so damn frustrated, because CJ and I thought we might get lucky and "magically" get PG on our own. But apparently that is not meant to be in our cards in life. And - how can we try to get PG when I don't have a clue as to where my cycle is and my body is obviously VERY whacked out.


CJ and I had a good talk the other night and in our hearts, we would like to have another baby sooner than later. Ideally, we'd like to attempt it again, this time with an anonymous donor, as nothing ever could compare to what we went through with Mooshie, our egg angel. That was the most unique and special event to ever occur in our lives, other than the entrance of our Keifer. So, I set out yesterday with the thought that maybe I could schedule some doctor consult meetings, to get things moving along. What I found online at the clinics in this area stopped me in my tracks.

Since I've had Keifer, since I've completed all the cycles and jumped through all the hoops -suddenly, donor eggs has become a supply and demand trade, and the clinics are apparently taking advantage of that and jacking up prices to literally unf**cking real prices. We could buy a brand spankin' new LUXURY high -end car for the price of trying to achieve another successful Pregnancy with donor eggs (anonymous). I went to bed in tears last night, and told my coworkers about it in tears this AM. It's not fair. It is JUST. NOT. FAIR. I know that we'll pray on it, something will happen, we'll figure out financing, etc., but in the meantime, my heart is so sad that we have to consider if we want to do this- pay atrocious amounts of money just to get a baby. I know what is meant to be will be, and having Keifer only makes our hearts sing with joy every day we have with her; but right now, I am frustrated and I need to dwell on this to get it out of my system.

5 comments:

Meghan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meghan said...

Hi, I hope you don't mind but I wanted to suggest the option of de ivf in the Czeck Republic, there are to clinics that have rates as good or better than in the US and use the same standards. www.myivfalternative.com and www.ivfvacation.com are through americans. There are threads on ivfconnections.com under ivf in eastern europe. I hope that helps. Your blog has been really helpful since I started down the deivf route.
m

cynner said...

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Lots of prayers are on their way to you and your student. I can't even begin to understand your struggles with infertility, but I want you to know that as your friend I love you and am here if you need anything at all.

Cindy

Michele said...

It still makes me cry that we had none to freeze. I know there must be a reason, but it still bothers me so much, especially when I have no struggles at home creating babies, KWIM?

I love you so much, sweetie. I will pray every night and every day for you. You are never far from my thoughts, prayers, or heart. Moosh

Kami said...

I'm sorry about your student and the sticker shock for IVF. I don't know how much is a lot anymore - we are doing our first DE cycle after 4 failed IVF cycles, but my clinic in Washington State is about $24,000 / cycle (including donor compensation) with an 80% live birth rate.

If you would like more information, please feel free to email me. Take care and good luck on your journey.

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