Monday, July 03, 2006

"Expecting to be expecting"

I love that "quote", said by my SIL, Jill's, brother-in-law yesterday. We were BBQing at Corey and Jill's, and Jilly's family was there. We had a great time, lots of sunshine, heat, good food, lots of love, lots of doggie love and playtime, and kiddo play time. Of course , my day is always complete when I hear Mason utter that "Auntie, Auntie, come here" and motions for me to come by him. *sigh*. My heart. I love those little buggers, Abby and Mason, so much, I can only imagine how much I would love Coco and Bongo *(oye, the love would be so intense!)*.

CJ and I were talking to Marcus about the IVF coming up, because I had specifically asked CJ NOT to drink in the last month with the upcoming sperm deposit needed. Does he listen? Of course not, its his opinion that a few beers shouldn't hurt. So there he was, cracking open a cold one, me glaring. I think that the fact that I've done SO much to my body over the last 2 1/2 years, he can afford to go a month of so with out a couple sips of brew. *sigh*. Of course, I get frustrated and he does what he want. What can I do? But Marcus said, "so I guess you are expecting to be expecting?". And it hit me, I guess we are! Wow. I guess that's what you could call this process.

But is this too much, to be telling everybody we know about our upcoming IVF cycle? I'm not embarrassed by any means, to be telling anybody we need help. I am always very open about things; in fact, I think the more I talk and write about it, the more "calm" I feel about the fact that we are having to even use donor eggs. I do question, though, what happens if this does fail? I'm going to have to tell everybody it failed, and how does it look to them that I talked so much about it? Should we keep it more on the "down low" and not spread the word? On one hand, I am so thankful for the endless prayers our friends, family, and support networks are able to offer. On the other hand, it's going to be hard telling everybody if it's a BFN (big fat negative PG test). *sigh* I guess either way, it's hard. I just am not one to bottle my emotions up inside me and not talk about things with people. I think in Chris's opinion, sometimes I am too open about things. Who knows. That's an endless debate.

It is Monday today, and on Saturday at 5:30 AM, we will be picking up Mooshie and Maddie at the airport. My heart is so damn excited. Its hard to put into words just the emotion I am feeling. Pure and utter joy, excitement, and then I almost will break into tears. Why? Is the estrogen causing my emotions to get send my moods into constant fluxation? CJ would say YES, judging by my bitchiness the last few days, for no apparent reason. I think the pure joy of what Mooshie is doing for us, is enough to send me into tears time and time again. I am still just in utter shock that she would do this for me. I asked my friend, Roxy, last week as we had lunch together, if she ever had the feeling that she would NEVER be PG. She said yes. But she was lucky and DID get PG with an IUI (another friend of mine that got PG on the same day that I was also having an IUI). I honest to God cannot imagine the concept of knowing that I am PG and feeling a baby inside me. It honestly feels unreachable and unlikely to me that it COULD happen after all this time. That's part of the fear I have. Its a horrible feeling, to not expect that you WILL get PG, and not to know how to react if you are PG. Roxy said she was in utter shock the first month or so, I expect that IF we find out we ARE expecting, I'll be in dreamland, too. And of course, then I'll probably start freaking out about other issues. But that will be a whole other can of worms.


Emilie said...

Oh, Carrie ... this was such a heartfelt and thoughtful post about all that must be going through your mind right now. I truly hope and pray this cycle throws you into that sense of shock and disbelief!

(I'll tell you, I expected that I would burst into tears of joy the moment I saw two lines on a pregnancy test. But I didn't. I was in too much disbelief to even allow myself to feel any certainty in the matter.)

Anyway, hang in there. And be as open as you want. :)

Laura said...

I love reading your posts, Carrie. It's been a long time... a long time since I've really been able to read about how you are doing. I wish you and Chris the very best and am always praying for you. My heart just aches for you sometimes... and I hope you keep up with this blog. :)

Jennifer Prince said...

I know I have told you this before, but this last cycle had me at my emotional low. I cried so hard that it was going to fail and I would never be able to make it work. I know exactly what Roxy is talking about. I pray that you see the same light at the end of the tunnel. And believe me, even when I saw the BFP. I was in disbelief and fear that something would happen and it would all be a hoax.



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