Oh, what a night

What a weird night (sleepwise) it was.

First off, falling asleep usually takes me no longer than 4 minutes or so. I lay on my back, take deep breaths in and out and visualize my body relaxing. But last night, lying there, I realized I had tears, the silent, weepy kind, streaming out of my eyes. Again, my damn emotions had hit me, in a quiet, peaceful time. And again, the fear of this IVF stuff not working next month had snuck up on me, when I was having a seemingly "good day". Maybe the fact that my body had been cramping all day (from the shot maybe?) made me realize how SICK and TIRED I am of all the foreign drugs being pumped into my body, and nothing ever working. My poor body hurts, my heart is tired of holding so much pain and grief, and Lord knows my butt is sick of the needles plunging into it. Also, while I was taking my shower earlier (my mind tends to wander when I shower) I had the thoughts of "what if we do have to adopt" and "how long would THAT take us?". *sigh*

3:05 AM I glanced at my clock, wide awake. I had the absolute WORST cramps ever. The kind that push your body naturally into the fetal position, and make you groan out loud (although CJ didn't seem to hear me, as he was, as usual, snoring away like a freight train -- as I always tell him--and doing that annoying smacking-his-lips-in-his-sleep thing he does). I get up and hunch over, plod to the bathroom. Even peeing was hard, as my uterine area was racked by cramps and dammit, it hurt! As I sat there, trying hard to take deep breaths, I thought "is this my ovaries really shutting down and telling me to "F-off" for doing this to them so unnaturally?". I got back into bed, curled up again. All of a sudden, I had a gas bubble and I almost went through the roof with pain. Oh my God! It wasn't my ovaries, although they may have been side effects of it all, it was damn GAS from the fajitas I had devoured for dinner at Teresa's! *(blushing madly*). Again, I plodded to the bathroom this time CJ's, as it is our master bathroom, and he has all the medicine in his cabinets. After rummaging through them, and tossing out almost half the bottles due to expiration dates (like 2-3 years ago dates! yikes), I finally was able to locate a few Tums and chewed them up. Within 15 minutes I was finally able to fall asleep and I woke up feeling good. *whew* I was scared that IF I had such horrible cramps, I wouldn't be able to drive the 2 1/2 hour drive up north to my parents in Duluth.

But I'm OK and now I'm off to pack the fur kids and my stuff, and we'll be up there for 5 days.