Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Dogs and Bliss
I got home last night after visiting up in Duluth for 4 full days. I'm always sad to say goodbye to my parents, but then I get excited to be back home, and to be with CJ again. The furkids were especially excited to hit the road; when we are up north without "Daddy", Treble tends to pout (unbelievable, but true). He sits in the chair by the front door and stares at it, willing Chris to walk through it, I think. Plus, this time, we were gone alot, so Sassy had to be in her kennel for hours on end and they didn't get as many walks a day as they do at home (spoiled kids).
My mom had her surgery on Monday, to reattach her intestines and colon, etc.. Luckily, this surgery went very smoothly and we are all excited that she is done with the "bag" and hoping and praying that she heals smoothly and is home in good health soon. Whew. I never "think" I am that stressed about her surgeries, but my tummy tells me otherwise; I had tummy aches the whole time I was up there. Especially after Sunday, when she was drinking all her "stuff" to get her system cleaned out and she was throwing up all day long. Ugg, the sound of your mom retching in the bathroom is not a pleasant one.
I also had another "emotional breakdown" on Monday night. Another good friend online, on one of my message boards, is PG with #2. I am so excited, but along with the excitement of being happy for THEM, comes the kick in my gut that its not me again. I'm still left behind in the dust in all this, or at least that's how I feel. In a way, I feel like I put a new definition to "Left Behind". I was at one point at the SAME point as many of my online friends, trying to conceive #1. Now most of them are having #2 or more, and I can't help but have a pity party for myself that it is never MY TURN to experience the cramps, the aches, the pains, the body stretching, the flutters and kicks inside of me. It's very emotionally screwy, being happy, overjoyed, thrilled, excited for THEM, yet sad, let down, depressed, angry at the same time. Very conflicting emotions all at once. No wonder I'm on my "happy pills", and CJ has to put up with me on the rollercoaster of "happy happy, joy joy" one minute, and then sobbing uncontrollably the next.
I want SO badly to have a big PG belly, it hurts. Literally hurts. Like somebody sucker punched me in the gut and I've lost the ability to breathe for a few seconds. Ouch. But I feel this in my tummy AND my heart at the same time. I've wanted to be PG and a mommy (to more than one child) since I can remember. I can recall being around 5 years old and lying in our camper, supposedly going to bed, while our parents were outside by the fire, me daydreaming about the names of my future children. I've kept a "name list" of names I like for my future kids since I was 10 or so. My best friend, Jess, who now has 6 children, and I used to keep these lists and talk about them all the time. (*of course, when I was 5 my names consisted of Peter, and Cindy, and I wanted to marry one of the Brady Boys, hee hee*).
Monday night I had that kick in my gut again, which although I know its natural, etc., it still sucks and I hate getting weepy of all a sudden. So I indulged in ice cream, peppermint bon bon and wild berry or something, both in one big bowl. I had both a Coke AND a Sprite. I ate like crap, and later FELT like crap, but it helped me get through my tough times. I guess I threw my attempt the past few days at eating a yeast free/sugar free diet out the window (eating like that in an attempt to clear my body of the toxic yeast, especially since I start hard-core antibiotics on the 28th of June and I'm sure to get a yeast infection (a ragin' one) due to the pills.
But coming home last night, it was good. I stopped by the Old Navy outlet in Cambridge and got myself some more Tshirts for $5 -- in a rainbow of colors. (Nothing like spending money on clothes to help heal the heart!) These are my staple shirts in the summer, especially at work --no "sleeveless" shirts at work in the junior high building. The kids went through the roof when they saw CJ and he was just as excited! Also, my montage I had made him for his Father's Day gift had arrived in its professional looking holder, and he says he really enjoyed watching it. I got all teary watching it, as I always do, because I love these damn dogs more than life itself.
Then we cuddled on our big sectional in the basement, had some popcorn (a "no no" for me, but ahhhh, such is life) and watched some movies - -my bliss. My bliss is the dogs, CJ, and movies (especially the smell of walking into a movie theater, *sigh*). We ran through "Firewall" with Harrison Ford -- this is when we watch some parts, but fast forward through most of it. It was pretty bad. The second movie was "Syriana", which I have seen, but CJ hadn't. I really like this movie, because of its shot at the government, but CJ wasn't all THAT impressed with it. I tend to get fired up with movies like that.
Now I'm home, the dogs are in the window, getting back into their "operation crime patrol" mode (hee hee), and I'm off to buy some groceries, since apparently I'm the one who notices when we have zero food in there to actually eat. It's good to be home, back into my routine.