Confirmation Ultrasound scheduled

It will be Monday, August 14 at 10:00 AM. That is the AM that Veebs and Moosh (and Scarlett and Maddie for that matter) will be leaving to fly home on a jet plane (hopefully they'll be back again).

I'm nervous. Petrified. Chris actually is MORE nervous now because this will mean it is real. I watched a VERY cool ultrasound 12 week check up today (dropshot of it) on my message board, and it is unreal to watch. I was in tears of awe watching this little 12 week old "peach" jumping around inside his/her mama's belly and the little feet just killed my heart. Chris got REALLY nervous when I showed him the dropshot, hee hee. He is so excited. I just want to make sure I keep feeling the twinges and slight cramps, as well as some of the "sick to my stomach" feelings I've been feeling that make me "feel" PG. I'm a nervous mess that this may not last. I have Reiki tomorrow AM, so hopefully her advice and Reiki on me will be magical!

The end of July: some Sunday night ramblings

CJ & I had a fairly low-key weekend, considering the excitement of this past week. I shared some more phone calls with family and friends, and actually seemed to be coming "down" off my high and anxiety. Friday night we were too tired to go out to eat to celebrate, so CJ picked up some Chinese and I picked at it. I'm finding myself really hungry, but certain things take longer for me to eat. Hmmm.

My brother was visiting with a buddy down here in MLPS/St. Paul, so he came over for an hour or so on Friday night to say hello, and tell us his fingers are crossed. I hope he's a good uncle - -he's known for not being very available or reliable, but even so, I know down deep he has deep feelings. He just chooses not to share with the family as much. Similar to many men I know, I guess. *(sigh)*.

Saturday, I slept in and CJ got up with the furkids and fed them and walked them. The weather has been in the 100's here this weekend, and its actually making me sick to be outside. The dogs aren't really digging it, either, although they DO like to go lay on their doggie towel on the deck for 10 minutes at a time, tongues panting, before we TELL them to come in and drink some water; weirdos. LOL.

CJ and I then hit the grocery store. It's funny, now that I'm PG, CJ is all about going hog wild if "mommy" wants to eat it, let's get it. I tried to get a variety of fruits and veggies, not that I usually DON'T, but more expansion on the variety. I'm finding myself strangely craving veggies like no tomorrow, and fruit not so much. I'm thinking we'll make some fresh juices in our juicer with the fruit, so I can get my vitamin punch in one cup.

After a few hours of relaxing with the new People magazine, we hit the movie theater (which you may remember is my home away from home). We haven't seen "Pirates" yet, but decided to go see the new "Miami Vice", since we are both huge fans of the director Michael Mann's "Heat" and "Collateral" (huge fans of Jamie (Foxx), not Tom (Cruise) in that one, screw Tom). Well, I won't say this one is in the same league as the other two. CJ told me he would've walked out, he found it really boring. I myself found it slow, but the cinematography, soundtrack, and pacing is pretty cool. Yeah, not up to par with "Heat', but damn, the sex scenes with hottee Colin Farrell in this movie is enough to steam up a windshield. Yowsa.
CJ then went over to Corey and Jill's to babysit Abby and Mason, while I hit the hay with my puppers and got a good night's sleep (alone in the bed, to stretch out to my heart's content).

This AM, I woke up and packed up the furkids and my shots and headed over to join CJ with the rest of the Campbell clan. Abby ran to meet me in the driveway and the first thing she did was immediately look straight at my belly. LOL. I informed her that the baby in my tummy was the size of an apple seed or so and that it wouldn't be a BIG belly until at least Valentine's Day, and that is a ways off. She was so cute. Then she proceeded to intently watch her uncle give me the progesterone shot in my butt, and had lots of good questions about it, including, "Auntie, does it make you cry?". She also inquired as to how many shots I get, how it feels, and if she could watch it again sometime. I told her she would maybe be a nurse someday and be able to give shots, but she responded that she would probably cry. LOL. I love the 5 year old rationalization. Then my SIL Jill made us pancakes, sausage and eggs and I devoured about 6-8 pancakes *blushing*, along with some sausage and pineapple. I didn't think I was that hungry. LOL.

I came home and had a major headache and felt really sick, so I laid down and napped for 2 hours. Ahh. Then I've spent the rest of today intently scouring the Consumer Reports website for reviews on strollers, cribs, and car seats. Yes, I am a dork. Part of me doesn't want to jinx myself by looking, but part of me is obsessed with all this. I'm a planner by nature, and to be able to "plan" for a baby in this house excites me more than any other planning ever could.
We have a hand-me-down crib from Corey and Jill that Corey and CJ's cousin used with her youngest, about 8 or 9 years ago. Then Abby and Mason used it and no problems. Part of me wants to accept the crib and not have to buy a new one, but the other part of me wants to purchase a new one, for safety reasons, as every site I've read recommends NOT using a "used" crib. Plus, the excitement of picking out our own crib is somewhat of a rush, too. But then the $$$$ factor of it confuses me. Who knows.

I'm also very excited because 2 weeks from now, I will have more visitors in my house! My friend Wiebke (Veebs) in CA is visiting with her 13 month old, Scarlett. I was able to meet and visit Veebs, Scarlett and daddy Tim, in March over my spring break. Veebs is another excellent friend of mine, also met online on our message board. Her and Mooshie are also very good friends. Not only is Veebs coming here to MN, but there are about 10 or so other women from all over the COUNTRY that are coming to MN that same weekend, and along with the MN mommies on the message board, we are having a 3 day "Get Together" here. I am so excited, not only to have the friends here, but most of us have never MET IN PERSON. And they are all my prayer warriors, so meeting them is going to be a very emotional time for me.
Especially.......................since Mooshie informed me on FRIDAY that she has booked HER ticket, and her and Maddie are returning for the visit as well! OMG! *tears*. Now my Mooshegg Angel will be here again, and Chris was beyond excited to hear that his pal, Maddie, will be back to call him "Un-ca". Ahh, this summer has been so full of love and emotions and although it is flying by faster than I can blink, I am so happy to have had the experiences I've had so far and will have. I just cannot believe it will be August in a few days! Wowsa.

Here are some pics of precious Scarlett, isn't she a beauty, too? I'm so excited to see her again. When I visited, she was around 9 months and in the major babbling stage. Now, she's starting to toddle around and is repeating words, like in this dropshot video clip!
Hee hee..this was a personal message to me from Scarlett the day of my BFP!
I am so excited to see her and Maddie together in my house, and CJ is very excited to be able to put up his baby gate again, he is so proud that he picked it out and installed it. LOL . That is my giddy love man. He is so cute with the PG. He is already kissing my belly, patting it, and putting his head on it at night when he tucks me in *yes he tucks me in*.

This is a picture of Scarlett with her Birthday present
from her Auntie Soupie -- gee, a doggie?? LOL. I'm training her young and hopefully she'll be a fan of Treble & Sage, and not in tears the entire visit *crossing fingers*

Babydust and baby gifts

I guess this really worked! On Moosh and Maddie's last night here in MN, we ate at our good friend (another online board member/friend) Missy's house. Her and her awesome hubby, Mike, BBQed for Moosh and I, and of course, we ladies took pics. Well, we got a little silly and in this picture, Moosh was "waving" all of Missy's PG belly "babydust" my way, so that the embies will/would stick! I guess that night was magical and the babydust DID float my way! YAY!.

The mail lady just left us a package on our doorstep. I walked outside to get it, and she pointed at it sitting on my stoop. I picked it up, and she said "Oh, I bet your dogs (barking like mad dogs) are Coco and Bongo?". I looked at the package, and it was addressed to Chris and I , as well as Coco, Bongo, and Finn. LOL. I said, "no, actually I just got PG from IVF and that is what we named my embryos". She was speechless! Oh my goodness, it was SO funny to see her face. She then said, "well, wow, congratulations!". But she was probably like, "what the hell?". *giggle*. See, the thing about me is, I'm not shy, embarrassed or ashamed of what we've went through and if its not politically correct to say, "Oh , I just got PG due to IVF", I say screw it, because I'll be telling you all about it. LOL.

A friend of mine online and in CA, who is ALSO a huge dog lover (she has 3 doggies herself), she sent this to us, so this is officially our first "congratulatory" baby gift. Oh my goodness. I already have some doggie baby stuff put away, so I sure as hell hope my baby(ies) like doggies! LOL. I am so touched and actually cried a little opening this, I'm just overwhelmed and simply amazed at the generosity in people, its just unreal. Unreal, and much appreciated, and wow, the love. You can feel it. This baby is so loved already. Wow.

It's official: we have a SOUPBABY in me

Oh. My. God.
God is good.
God is great.
And I thank Him for this gift.
The news today.
This gift of life that is starting to grow inside me.

I'm in shock.
It's real now. I'm in utter, shaky, sick to my stomach, GIDDY, giggley, SHOCK; and yes, the tears flowed when I called Chris to tell him. Finally.

I had my beta at 8 AM, then drove up to Maple Grove to have lunch with my college friends. I hadn't expected a call or message til the afternoon. At 11:30ish, the cell phone rang, just as the 4 of us and their kids were sitting down to eat. OMG. It was Courtney calling: we are PG! I was crazy, chattering to her about my 4 + pee sticks, I told my friends while ON THE PHONE with her I was PG and they are whooting and crying in the background. She just laughed.

My beta on Tuesday was 47.7. Today was 87.7. I guess that is considered Average? I'm not sure, but of course, now I'm totally NERVOUS that it won't stick. Especially when she told me that if I had any sharp one-sided pains to call because it could be a spontaneous miscarriage. Not the words you want to hear after "Congratulations, you're PG". But I know they have to tell you. I'm to assume all my meds as regular (Estrace, Progesterone shots, baby aspirin, prenatals), and the clinic will call me to have my Ultrasound Confirmation Appointment the week of August 14-18.

I hung up and immediately called Chris. He was SO nervous all night and this AM. More nervous than ME. I was bawling when I called him (and could see all my friends in the kitchen bawling too, which makes me well up just typing this). He was scared because I was crying. I said "honey, we're PG!". OMG. It's real.

I have to go walk my furkids, poor babies have no idea why mommy has been so looney all week and today. Ugg. My tummy -- I just ate 2 hours ago and I'm ravenous again. It is too early to be SO DAMN HUNGRY, isn't it??

Thank you, God. Thank you , friends. Thank you, family. Thank you, my angel, Mooshegg/Michele. Thank you for prayers and love and just being my rocks.

Our Hockey Hall of Fame/Cove Point Lodge recap

This past Saturday, July 22, my Chris was inducted into the UWS Hockey Hall of Fame. I was VERY proud of my CJ, as was his parents and my parents. We could not keep our smiles off our faces the entire night, especially when CJ went up first to accept the first honor of the evening and gave what was most likely the shortest speech ever in Hockey Hall of Fame history. LOL. That's my man, a man of few words. Afterwards, we all, including his parents, brother, sister-in-law, and college friends, all went to their ol' college stompin' grounds and hung out. I, of course, drank 7UP and ice water all night, and even though I thought I'd be exhausted (past my bedtime) I had a ball, even stone sober! LOL.

The next AM, CJ and I got up, said our goodbyes to Treble and Sage *future big fur siblings*, and drove 55 miles north of Duluth up the coast of Lake Superior, the infamous "north shore". It is truly a beautiful place on this earth and if you ever get the chance to go up north here, I encourage it. It is rejuvenating to your soul, to reconnect with nature. We had a one night reservation *(get away from life)* at the Cove Point Lodge, which I've posted about and shared some pics from. I wanted to share a little history about the Cove -- the actual "water/earth cove" that the Lodge sits on. You can see the cove in our pictures, here of the storm brewing. That rocky ledge sticking out, framing the cove, that is where the pictures from the previous blog entry are from. Its called "Proposal Point" on the Lodge's map, and it is truly amazing to be on those rocks, those huge, gigantic boulders created millions of years ago by glaciers.

Some facts about Lake Superior and the cove (from the brochure). Lake Superior was called the "Kitchi-Gummi" by the Ojibway, natives to the land. It means "big lake". For centuries, the Sioux and Chippewa lived in the Lake Superior region. Lore has it that the Native Americans were attracted to Cove Point for spiritual reasons. The point rises gently out of Lake Superior and faces due East, toward the sunrise. Representatives of the many tribes would gather at the point by the tree line about 50 feet up from the water, and build a campfire. They would gather at Cove Point Lodge to discuss trading, territorial issues, and smoke the ceremonial pipe to celebrate native customs. By the mid-1600's, voyageurs arrived on the scene and got along with the Indians. They started to trade for fur. They would paddle up the lake for 15 hours at a time, heading to a trading post in Grand Portage (north of our resort). When the waves were too dangerous, it was easy to slip into Cove Point and land the canoes on the pebble beach. They too would light a campfire and wait in the cove until the weather improved.


I guess what makes me think this whole trip was not only peaceful and an awesome getaway, time to reconnect with Chris, but that fact that it was such an important location for so many people in our history made it very, very cool and special to me. Walking where they walked. Things like that are interesting to me.

Basically, CJ and I enjoyed a lunch, checked in, and spent time hiking around both the shoreline, and on a trial above the lodge. He didn't want me to push it with possible twins inside me *LOL*, so I didn't go too far. It was a very muggy day, so I made sure and had plenty of water. As we were hiking along one trial, at one point, I said to CJ, "honey, look, we're treasure hunters" *just like our favorite Monday night show*. Giggle. That's how I am, sort of dorky like that. We then took a break and cooled off inside, just as the rain started to come slowly down. We sat inside the grand 'sitting area', and played cribbage, checkers (its' been years!), and Scrabble. *on a side note, I went yesterday and bought a new Scrabble board, because that game inspired me to play it more more more*. I was impressed with myself for coming up with the word "saloon", while CJ blew me away with "quiver". LOL

We then enjoyed a fantastic fish dinner in the dining area, I had walleye (yum, my fave fish), and CJ had salmon. We spent the rest of the night relaxing, I curled up and read some more of Wicked, while CJ did the usual channelsurfing. A nasty thunder and lightening storm came through, which was gorgeous to watch. I posted the "sign" of the ray of light, and included another picture of the clouds and their funky colors. I love nature when it is like that. The only thing CJ and I worried about was our poor Tboy who was at home with Nana and Papa. He is terrified of thunder, but my parents assured us they were not getting that storm back in Duluth, and Trebs was curled up next to my mom on the couch. *Whew* I fell asleep with my Zen and Sound Healing on the MP3 player, and awoke to a gorgeous, hot day. I hated leaving. We hope to go back in the fall or winter, hopefully with some other couple(s).

We also had a few "hopeful signs" as we were leaving that day. 1) the couple behind us talked about their "twins". Then 2) back in Duluth, after we picked up the furkids, played with our goddaughter, Aubrie, and had lunch, the fawn/baby deer twins were in the back yard. We tried to creep up to take a picture, but one twin saw us and bolted soon after. Was is a sign? Discuss amongst yourselves. LOL

We then drove back to the cities, and I conked out for most of the ride, resulting in a horrific neck cramp that had me rubbing my own neck for about 1/2 hour after I woke up. *sigh* Ahh, road trips.

11 days post 3 day embryo transfer

Well, here is the test from today, 11 days post 3 day embryo transfer. There is a line. CJ saw it, too. WOW. I just may have a baby or 2 or 3 in there. This is honestly surreal. I'm feeling sick to my stomach (pukey) but I'm assuming at 11 dpo, you wouldn't be starting to have morning sickness....so I'm guessing the nerves and stress and excitement of all this has me in a tizzy. I can't keep myself off line today. LOL. I keep emailing friends, looking up IVF stats online, and chatting on my message boards. I'm tired, becauase after I got up at 4 AM to pee on this, I couldnt' get back to sleep from excitement. Ahhh. The joy of Peeing on a stick and not seeing blank white.

A Ray of Light?

On Sunday night, up at Cove Point Lodge, we had a horrific thunderstorm come through. It had been a gorgeous, romantic day of hiking, laughing with CJ, and enjoying life with carefree thoughts. We sat in our room, with our fantastic view of Lake Superior, watching the lightening crack across the sky above the lake and listening to the deep, rolling thunder. CJ noticed this beam of light cutting through the storm clouds once things settled down: it was gorgeous -- so I persuaded him to take a picture of it.

Today, Mooshie told me after I told her the news of our *possible BFP*, that yesterday she had a really emotional day -- she had to pull her car over due to her tears and she called out to God for peace. She said a warm peaceful feeling overcame her and she felt suddenly positive about this working. When I shared the pics of the light cutting through the clouds, she said it was to her -- a sign from God that the embies were shining through in dark times. Light coming through the darkness. Could this be our light cutting through the darkness of 3 years of infertility?

As CJ and I were leaving Duluth yesterday, my mom took me aside with a hug, and said she is praying so hard for good news, after all the sadness my family is going through lately. My mom's illness and surgeries, my cousin's recent divorce proceedings, and my grandparents' rapidly failing health. Our family is in desperate need of GOOD NEWS. Maybe this WILL be our ray of light of good things to come into our family. Please, let it be so.

Here are some pics of CJ and I enjoying our hike on the point of the Cove on Lake Superior.

Here is HPT #1

Can you see it? Can you see the line? It's very faint, but there is a definite ++ there. I even took ANOTHER test, while on the phone with Mooshie! LOL I peed and she listened, and then, like magic, the + showed up again! WOW!

Could it be true? After 3 years of stark whiteness, I feel like the BFN Queen. I seriously can't believe my eyes. But we both (CJ and I ) see it. OMG . If this is true, PLEASE PLEASE God, let it stick stick stick *hot glue guns, please*. My heart and CJ's heart can't take anymore tears or sadness.


I'm still in awe. Surreal. Calm, then giddy. Sick to my stomach. Exhausted from a short night of sleep, and sick to my stomach from nerves, excitement, I'm scared, I have a headache. I just finally ate a late, late lunch. I've been either online or on the phone all afternoon.

Moosh finally called back. I feel bad, I initially sort of tricked her by dragging out my story of the AM: she thought I Had a BFN (which I initially did). But then I started laughing like an idiot and told her the news, and she was so excited she was shaking and literally threw up some bile. LOL . She has been just an nervous, if not more, than I have. She said not being with me or being in constant contact has been hard, as it has been for me. She said it's like an arm being cut off or something, and same goes for me. We've been through SO Much together on this emotional IVF journey, its just incredible.

I was convinced after the two other women on my TTC board that did the DE IVF got their BFPs, that I'd HAVE to be in 50% that won't work. But the miracle of prayer and friends and love had to have been the reason for the lines on the test.

Chris just told me, "Honey, there's lines". He is very nervous, as I am. We just don't believe it, until we get a beta ### and until we see an Ultrasound. OMG. I could have a baby or babies in me. OMG. So we'll find out on Thursday afternoon the ##.

A new Look at another HPT

Um, OK.
So Chris came home, I was a mess. We laid together, he hugged me, I bawled. Sager licked me til I was annoyed by her. Tboy just sat there and excitedly chewed his nylabone because his daddy was home.

So I got up, tore open the Equate package and Peed on it. Within a few minutes, I thought MAYBE I saw a faint glimmer of a line. Hmm. But was that a glare. I called CJ in and he agreed, we thought we maybe saw one. I emailed Veebs, by now we were in constant email crazy contact. She emailed to send a pic. We took some and emailed. She thinks it's a BFP! I posted the pics on my message boards, and they all swear they see a line. OMG. My favorite quote from one board is this: "You'd have to be Stevie Fucking Wonder to not see that!!!!!!!!!!!! " LOL. So I guess there IS a line. Wow. This is SURREAL.

Could it be? COULD I be PG?? It does not seem real. CJ and I are literally CALM, minus a few explosive giggling sessions I've had. Veebs called me. I was giddy. But I refuse to believe it. Why am I not jumping up and down with excitement? What is wrong with us? I think we are so used to negativity, that maybe the fact that we "MIGHT" be PG could be hard to accept as a truth?????

Dammit the pics won't upload
I'll try later
but I THINK I MIGHT BE PG

(remaining calm and hopeful)

I've been calling and emailing Moosh: WHERE ARE YOU?????????

I don't think it's good

I've been trying. Trying so hard. Imaging hot glue guns, white clouds, I did Reiki weekly, plus the day before my ET and then 2 days after. I was so positive, glowing with love for Moosh and CJ.

We had a fantastic weekend up north. I'll write later about that.

For now. I can't breathe. I promised CJ I would NOT test without him. But after 2 ladies on a TTC board I'm on got their Donor Egg BFPs in the past 2 days, I had to know. The three of us were on that board for over 2 years, original members, and all first time at Donor Egg cycles. The two of them got their BFPs and for that I'm thrilled beyond belief. I was actually sick to my stomach yesterday waiting for the 2nd one to post her beta results.

I had my first beta this AM, at 10dp3dt. There should be HCG in my system, right? I couldn't handle it. Last night I was shaking, sick to my stomach for myself and convinced I 'm not PG, because it's only a 50/50 shot of working, and now that 2/3 of us on my TTC board got PG, I'd have to be in the minority, right? Well, I cheated on CJ. I came home and immediately (actually, VERY pyschotically) peed on 4 tests. Internet tests that a friend of mine had gotten her BFP on at only 8 or 9DPO. Nothing. Not even a hint of a line. I'll pee on another "better" test as soon as my bladder fills us.

I'm bawling. Trembling. A mess. I made a huge mistake in doing this without CJ, because now I've ruined HIS day. I feel horrible for that. I called him and apologized, then told him. He could barely speak and now he's on his way home. FUCK. Now I've ruined HIS day, I so didn't want to do that. I made sure my furkids have their new nylabones to chew.

I can't even post about this. I'm so sad.

Uggg

What the fuck will we do? What will we do? OMG.

I'm just hanging by the thread that the tests were cheap, not sensitive enough, and I really could be PG. After all the hundreds of prayers and love and support, why would God NOT answer my prayer? I've been calling to him for 3 years now, plus praying about a big family since age 5. Why would He do this to me? WHY WHY WHY?

I'm touched *sniff*

OMG. I just scanned my daily blogs, the ones I have listed on the side -->, and one of my favorites, Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, actually gave me a shout out today, comparing Moosh and I's relationship to Oprah and her friend, Gayle. OMG. I just got chills. Literally. Tearing up. *sniff sniff* Especially when I JUST FINISHED JOURNALING about my dream about Oprah last night. Coincidence? Talk amongst yourselves. Wow. Unfrickingreal.

Thank you, Melissa. Thank you for praying for me and inspiring ME to journal my infertility journal/blog. I love when I can reach out and tell people what we are feeling, going through, and maybe give them an inside view of being childless and wanting a baby so badly. I have to admit, too, when people tell me they get emotional reading about what we are going through, it is truly hard to fathom why they would get teary reading about it, because when I go back to re-read what I've written, I don't get teary. Hmm. But then I realize I've been teary off and on for almost 3 years and by the time I write about what we may have gone through, my tears are long gone and I've moved on to a new level of emotion. I also think that most people in the world take for granted (not selfishly, just unknowingly) their fertility for granted. It is something that a lot of people don't think twice about, and when they try for a few months and get PG, its not a big deal. But meeting us and hearing our story, it always seems to blow them away. I like to be up front and honest about our tale and I'm not afraid to hide what we are going through. I think more people SHOULD know what couples like CJ and I go through. It sucks major donkey balls.

Here is my first ever blog entry. It gives a limited background as to how Chris and I have just done a Donor Egg IVF cycle, with a friend I met online (and had never met face-to-face until April, when her and her DH, and daughter, flew out here to meet with my RE to see if she got the thumps up). You should've seen the look on my RE's face when we told him we met online. LOL. At least the Psychologist, that we had to all mandatorily meet with (or I mean basically pay him $600 in cash just to tell us that we're OK to do this), at least HE thought Michele/Mooshie's and I relationship was something pretty cool. He seemed to think it would be the wave of the future. I like to tell people, relax. I met my husband online (match.com), I planned my destination wedding on Captiva Island online, I bought my wedding dress online, adopted my two dogs from a MN Rescue I found online. Why not find the potential "genetic mother" of my future children online? I know her and the girls on this message board, all 100 or so of them, better than my real life friends. I can relate to them far better than my real life friends, they are here for me on days when I'm down and aren't afraid to call me , send me cards, or just plain old let me know they are here and they support and love me. They truly are my Prayer Warriors. And I could NOT have found a better match, egg donor wise, then my Moosh. We really do think we are soul sisters, somehow, someway, and in the future, we will always be connected after this. The adventure/journey that we are near completing (once I get my beta results on the 27th), was obviously something that was meant to be. It was a path that God chose for us, for some reason. We may not know that reason, but we have to trust that there IS a reason, somehow or someday there will be.

Friday Ramblings from Duluth

I'm trying so hard not to think about every damn twinge, ache, cramp that my uterine area feels in the last few days. I've had 6 IUI's in the past, and after every one (failed them all), I always had cramps, twinges, etc., so I'm not holding out any hope that this MAY be it just because the way my body feels.

However, I think it is the humidity and heat MN has been experiencing lately, but I've been sick to my stomach all week. I am not a good responder to humidity, I tend to get the dry heaves with it, so the fact that food is making me want to throw up in the heat we've had is also not a sign to me. *sigh*.
What is funny to me is that the shots I'm getting in my butt are making my butt so sore, it's hard to 'flex' my glutes when I'm walking, so its almost like I'm waddling (like a PG waddler) only it's because of my butt. But I can pretend I have precious cargo inside me.

I got up to Duluth yesterday AM and arrived home to find my cousin's daughter/my Goddaughter, Aubrie, here with my aunt/her grandma. She lit up when she saw me and let me hold her and kiss her for a few hours, in between her exploring of the house. *shhh, we won't tell Uncle Chris I was lifting her into my lap* They stopped by again today and I also got to love her up. I told her as she was sitting on my lap today, I said "Aubrie, you give me all the babydust you have", and my aunt responded, "I just packed up another bin of them". What? LOL. She had thought I said "baby DUDS". LOL. So if I do end up having a baby girl someday, I WILL NOT need ANY baby girl clothes. For real. This child has more clothes than she can wear, and in all the bins they've packed up so far, there was more unused clothes than worn, and all adorable. So NO GIRL CLOTHES needed for me. LOL. I'll be hauling in Aubrie's leftover bins by the truckload.

We then went to visit my grandma Gina, who is failing badly. My Papa has been in the hospital for over a week, first with pneumonia, and now on the rehab floor because he literally has no strength. My uncle told my mom yesterday he looks like concentration camp survivor, he's down to 115 pounds. My mom told me my grandma sits in her chair, mostly blind, at home every afternoon (when one of the siblings "babysits" her), and just cries and cries. Its so heartbreaking, to know they are failing and have no will to live, but somehow they are still here. My parents, aunt Barb, and Aubrie visited Grandma today, and Grandma seemed a bit better with all of us there. It was hard for me to see her at first, because she fell down a week and a half ago, and her entire left eye, and the area around it, was/is completely black. It's now a gross green and yellow, but her eye is still completely bloodshot. Damn, she probably should have been checked out by a doctor. Uggg.

Aubrie was playing peek -a-boo with me, laughing her little bottom off (before she let loose with the big ol' stinky poopie), and sharing her crackers with me. *sigh*. Another gorgeous girl to love. I kept kissing her all day and telling her how much I love her. I hope she understands that. I think she does, judging how quickly she comes to me when I see her, and I only get to see her about once a month.

Last night, I had a dream about Oprah. I can never explain my vivid, wild, crazy dreams to anybody in words. Chris always just shakes his head at me when I even try to explain some of them. Its a combination of wild thoughts, things going on that I can still "see" in my head, but cannot put into words that would make any of it make sense. Anyhoo, last night's had something to do with Chris and I being in Mexico, somehow getting inside to see a live, stage show that turned out to be Oprah doing a presentation (*like a motivational speaker or something?*). So Chris & I had snuck in and when they realized we didn't have tickets, we had to leave. But later in the same dream, I was working with special ed. kids somewhere, and somehow Oprah was there where I was working and wanted to interview me for a part of her show. Hmmm......I wonder if this is a pre-sign that maybe Moosh and I WILL make it to the Oprah show? Talk amongst yourselves. LOL . If it were up to Moosh and I's online message board (where we met, and where all our strong prayers and CJ and I's generous donations came from), it for SURE is a sign. We keep saying that Moosh and I, along with our Prayer Warriors, will have to tell Oprah about our story.

Where I'm From

Where I'm From

I am from charcoal grills

From crochet hooks and fishing poles - Snoopy.

I am from the metal, sub-arctic swing set,

Whose icy, smooth surface became a new home

To the skin of my tender tongue.

I am from the frozen swamp in the woods

The powder blue ice skates whose blades

Crisply cut the silence of the deer and pines.

I am from pasties and homemade spaghetti sauce,

From Richard and Virginia

I'm from the how 'bout thats and the dinky doopa song,

From ishy fishy and grandma aunties.

I'm from chocolate blender malts, pork chops, and applesauce,

The Bradys, the Ingalls,

I'm from a neighborhood man named Rogers and a bird named Big.

I am from Dale and Dian's Branch.

Oreo cookies and Diet Pepsi.

From the arthritis that took my grandmother's joints,

The habit that stole my Papa's breath -but now kicked.

Next to my bed were the shelves that housed imagined friends,

Betsy, Ramona, and Ralph S. Mouse.

A Princess and Secret Gardens.

Imagined friends that inspired notebooks of penciled fiction.

I am from those moments -

Sharing the limb of Darren -

His Sissy to my Bear.

--Carrie L. Hanson

October, 2002

Spending our last day together

We spent the last day of Moosh and Maddie's visit just chilling out at home in the AM, and then hitting the mall in Burnsville in the PM. Maddie had never experienced a Chuck E. Cheese, so after her lunch time nap, we went for some pizza and fun. Watching her little face light up with joy on her first "ride" (Clifford, by the way) was an awesome feeling. Mooshie and I agreed that the small veggie pizza, though horribly overpriced, was not as gross as we had been led to believe it may be. We let Maddie use up the 4 free tokens she had, I bought her a green balloon *because she loves balloons so*, and then we bummed around the mall awhile. I had us stop at Mia & Maxx, where I get my hair done, to meet my stylist, Betsy. I've told Betsy everything about what we have done with Moosh, so I thought I'd give her a face with the name. Then we wandered into the book store, and Auntie HAD to buy Maddie some more books for her collection, even though I gave her a pile when they arrived at our house 12 days ago *blush*. *Hello, my name is Carrie, and I am a kids book addict* *Hi, Carrie*. LOL.

Then we wandered around a bit, Auntie tried on some pants that didn't fit at JCPenney on clearance, we looked at the animals at the Pet Ranch (I bolted quickly, as I get too choked up at pet stores), and then I got myself a peanut butter-chocolate chip cookie *still sitting on our counter one day later, good girl*.

We then came home, and Moosh and Maddie took a nap for our BBQ at our friend Missy's house later in the evening. In the meantime, my right butt cheek had been slowly giving me problems all day - with stiffness, and pain traveling all the way from my leg up into my lower back, so I decided to try sitting on an ice pack. That really didn't see to do anything; and in fact, when we left for Missy's, I could barely walk or drive, so we had to switch drivers (me to Moosh) in the driveway upon our departure to Missy's. By the time we got to Missy's, my butt hurt so bad I couldn't figure out if CJ had hit a nerve ending giving me the shot earlier or if it was the muscle reacting to the "intramuscular" injection, and giving me problems with cramping.

We got to Missy's and I promptly made myself comfy in her rocker recliner, with now a heating pad on my butt *blush*. Some guest. Maddie made herself at home playing on the large deck outside with the other Mady, and I chatted with Missy inside while she finished prepping the meal. At one point, I got all choked up talking about how much I was dreading the goodbye and how much Moosh means to me and Chris. I took 2 generic Tylenol, hoping that was OK for the embies inside me (who are now sticking with hot glue to my fluffy lining, right!), and it seemed to do the trick in allowing me some capability of hobbling to the table to eat. And boy did I eat. I could NOT get enough of the fresh veggies, or the grilled potatoes, carrots and onions. Yum. I was like an bottomless pit. LOL. After dinner, we chilled out on the deck, chatting, enjoying the most gorgeous evening I think we've had in quite some time. Not too hot, not too cold, just right. Missy's DH, Mike, took some pics of us three ladies, kids included, and we said our goodbyes, with lots of hugging and future planning. Of course, we said our goodbyes after I chowed down about 4 (hey,they were small pieces) of Missy's peanut butter brownies (um, to die for, even if they were from a box. Oye). I was OK to drive home at this point, and we got home to see Uncle and the fur kids, who had been on a mini-respite from the ladies of the house. Missy told me during our chat session, that she even has her Cuban Grandmother in Florida, and her whole CHURCH, praying for us -- her granddaughter's friend who is trying to get PG. Wow. Talk about feeling the love. We have so many prayers in process, it is mind-boggling almost! I love Missy!
Moosh proceeded to give Maddie her last bath at our house, she did some packing, and I did some uploading of Maddie pics from Chuck E. Cheese. Too cute.

Now I'm just awakening from a 3 hour straight nap, the kind where you are in the deepest sleep ever and can barely wake yourself up from. After Moosh left, CJ took me to see "You, Me, and Dupree", which was somewhat funny, and then immediately upon arriving home, I crashed. Hard. I was having the craziest dreams, of violence *egads, where does that come from* and then some more, um, personal ones *blush*. Its crazy how my mind works when I dream. But before I was off into la-la land, we got the report from our RE clinic, stating to us how many eggs we had retrieved (apparently, there were 9, not 10), how many fertilized (6 as we know) and how many embies we transferred (3). It was hard to read 1) that they "discarded" 6, even though I know by "discarding", it meant they didn't make it, and 2) that we had no frozen ones for leftovers. *sigh*

We are off to Duluth early tomorrow for the weekend, as Chris has his yearly UWS alumni golf outing *or should I say beers and bonding with the boys outing?*. Saturday is his Hockey Hall of Fame induction ceremony, and our North Shore mini-vacation *really an overnight* at the Cove Point Lodge is Sunday. My betas will be Tuesday the 25th (no results after) and Thursday, the 27th (results after). I have a stack of PG tests under my sink, but I won't be peeing on any of them until we get home from the North Shore. CJ has made me promise NOT to pee on any of them unless we are together. He is just as invested emotionally in this as me.

They're gone

We just got home from dropping Moosh and Maddie off at the airport. They were here for 12 days and it seems like they just arrived. Wow. We went through so much together in such a short 12 days. We started our goodbyes at home in the AM, taking turns hugging and kissing Maddie. I think "Un-ca" Chris was having just as hard of a time saying goodbye to Miss Maddie, judging by how many times he hugged her, kissed her, and called her cutie-pie. *sigh* I started tearing up when we were unloading the car in the parking garage, but held it together as we helped her check her bags at the kiosk. However, hugging Mooshie and giving Maddie one last kiss was enough to send me into my "cry zone" and I made it to the car before I let the sobs out. It's not just a normal goodbye. We are saying goodbye to the woman who gave us the possibility of new life inside me. Uggg.
CJ took the day off of work and we are going to see "You, Me, and Dupree" in 30 minutes.
I'll write about our last day together, having fun with Maddie and visiting friends, later in the day when I am more composed. *sniff*

A collection of happy times

These are a collection of the happier times we've had in the past 12 days. I'm sitting here in tears because my Mooshegg/Angel and Maddie are leaving us tomorrow AM. I can't believe how fast the time has flown by with them here. I can't believe how much sadness I am feeling in my heart knowing we have to say our goodbyes in 12 hours. It is amazing the journey we have had together: it seems like we were so impatient for this time to get here, and now it's over and I'm in the dreaded 2 WW, trying desperately to visualize the embryos sticking (with that hot glue gun!) to the white, fluffy uterine lining that I am envisioning.
Here is Moosh and I last weekend at the parade.


Then, the couple walking with her to the parade is my parents, her one set of adopted "Bumpa and Nano". She immediately clicked with all her adopted Bumpas and Nanos, and they were all thrilled and their hearts were all in love with her in seconds. My MIL, Marge, even sent her a stuffed duck 2 days after they went home to Grand Forks.

Here is my MIL, Marge, beaming as she holds her new friend, Maddie.

Maddie with her new "aun-tie" and "Un-ca", who love her so much.
Maddie and her pal, Sassy Sager, gazing out the window.

Chris found these flowers the day of my ET -- putting 3 embies in inspired him to pick this bouquet up as soon as he saw that it was called the "trio bouquet".

Uncle and his favorie cutie-pie, Maddie

The roots we plant

Maddie has been calling me "auntie" in her little voice for 2 days now. While I was napping today, she was crawling up the stairs and came into my room, saying "aun-tie, aun-tie". *sigh* *swoon*. I love her and Moosh so much, I don't know how I'm going to say goodbye to them in 2 days. And how do you say goodbye to the girl who is pretty much your soul sister, who has given up so much just to give us the precious gift of possible LIFE?

Before I left for my ET on Saturday, we had a hug, and *(sounds sick, but still)* rubbed our bellies together. I told Maddie I was off to get her a half sibling -- because when you think about it, if CJ and I do have a child from her eggs, they will be half siblings. Of course, my friend pointed out that it will be my blood nourishing and running through that child(ren) inside me, so really they will be "third siblings'. Ahh, the tangled bloodlines we weave. Some people may be put off by it all, but personally, I think that would make our kids even all the more special, because they are being made with so much love and affection. We are planning on being completely up front about all this process when our kids get older, if we get to do that. Moosh mentioned special family trips together in the long -distance future, and just to think about trips like that, our families sharing time together, again brings me to tears. I visualize us all sharing time in a resort somewhere or watching fireworks over the Magic Kingdom and it makes my heart just beat faster with the excitement and the joy of that possibility.

The Campbells (CJ's parents and brother/SIL) sent us a beautiful house plant today. I've gotten more cards and plants, and prayers and love. It's overwhelming *tearing up again*. I do feel so blessed to be so cared about. Thank you to you all that have given us a few minutes of your time to pray for us.

White clouds and hot glue guns

ET day:

Saturday AM, I woke up feeling like I was going to throw up at any minute (see previous entry). Ugg. It was horrible. I emptied my bladder and started downing my water intake. I took my 3 Advil at the appropriate time, and then CJ and I got on the road for the 30 minute trek up to our clinic in Woodbury. I popped my 2 valium at 10:45 and we were on time, scheduled to arrive for check in at 11:00. Well, construction on the bridge across the Mississippi river (which has been taking years to finish), decided not to let us arrive on time. We sat there in traffic backed up for 20 minutes. I was swearing and growling and ready to jump out and walk to the clinic (not really, but still). CJ tried calming me down, but I was hyped up. Of course, I knew they wouldn't or couldn't actually DO the ET without me. But still, the principal of the matter was driving me crazy. At this point, I also realized the Valium was indeed kicking in because my eyes were feeling a little bit more tired at this point.
Finally, we arrived at the clinic. I jumped out of the truck, eager to speed walk into the clinic and get these damn embryos inside me, and WHOA, Nelly, my legs felt like noodles. Oye. I guess the Valium really HAD kicked in. LOL . It was a funny feeling. We walked in and the nurse was literally waiting for us at the front desk with our chart and immediately escorted us to the ET room. It was like any other room there, with a ultrasound monitor, the standard table with stirrups, and stools for DH's to sit on. I quickly did my undress from the waist down routine (I think I've now done this at clinics over 100 times, no lie) and put on my socks, because I don't' like cold feet. LOL. CJ sat next to me, and the nurse and the embryologist came in to double check my ID tag, so that they can confirm that my embryos are indeed MY embryos. I had to give my birthdate and social security ##, and they were convinced I was indeed who I said I was.

The nurse told us that out of the eggs they retrieved, only 6 made it to a fertilization stage. Out of the 6, only 4 of them fertilized. The nurse said this is typical; she said with ICSI, usually 75% fertilize, so 4 was a decent number (I guess). However, one of the 4 stopped growing at a 3 cell division, leaving us with one 8 cell embryo, one 6 cell and one 5 cell. Of course, I never thought to ask what grade (quality) they were , and that information was not offered. As we were listening to the nurse, the embryologist came back into the room. She had Dr. S with her as well, and he proceeded to insert the speculum with the nurse narrating what exactly he was doing as he was doing this (looking back, I realize the nurse did this for Michele during the ER as well, narrating each move the doc makes). I felt nothing. Then, the nurse had the ultrasound machine on top of my tummy (thank goodness) and we could see that my bladder was full, but not "too" full and didn't need any more water. Then, the embryologist handed the doctor the embryos in a catheter-type tube, and they inserted all 3 embryos inside my uterus. You could see it on the screen and you can see it in a picture that we got from them -- this little white speck inside my uterus under my full bladder.

That was it. Very easy and fast. The nurse gave us a picture of the three embryos and I was to lie there on the table for about 10 minutes. The nurse gave us the instructions and we were able to leave. CJ was sweet. He was mother henning me the whole time. He helped me into our SUV, and made sure I was completely flat on my back driving home. I immediately picked up my cell phone, left a few messages for people, and talked to my parents and a few others (I honestly don't really remember making the calls *blush). I mumbled that I really was craving Arby's (a big beef), so apparently I snoozed because the next thing I knew, we were 25 minutes south, closer to home, going through first a McDonald's drive thru (yum, I munched on those salty fries), and then the Arby's drive through for my beef. I chowed that down, while remaining pretty much low down, and we got home. The dogs were so excited to see me. CJ escorted me up to our room, I changed into my PJ's, and got into bed. CJ made sure I had plenty of water, movies, remotes, phones, and my MP3 player. Treble was so happy and goofy about me being home, he even laid with his legs across my belly immediately, almost as if he "knew" I had precious cargo inside there.

I put on my MP3 player headphones and started listening to the Zen and Sound Healing. Immediately I was lights out, because the next thing I knew, CJ was standing there, telling me that I had my cell phone right next to my head ringing away and I never heard it. He said he came up to see if I wanted him to take it, and tried waking me, but I was snoring *the horror, I never snore!*. LOL. I was out cold. I slept a few more hours and then got up to use the bathroom. I was spotting a bit, but that was normal. I haven't spotted since then. Of course, Dr. CJ yelled at me to get back into bed, and he did NOT want me to even have my legs up with a pillow. Geesh, yes sir. LOL.

CJ and Mooshie went to get some Leanne Chin for dinner , and CJ came home with a flower bouquet for me. He said he walked by it and saw that it was called the "Trio bouquet" so how could he NOT get it? It's a sign, right? I spent the rest of that night lying in bed, watching 2 movies and then back to sleep.

I was able to graduate to the couch yesterday (Sunday) for the day. A friend of mine visited with her 2 1/2 year old, which made me laugh a lot, and she also brought me a beautiful plant. Mooshie and Missy were at the MOA with the rest of our MN mommy friends, and I guess they were all asking about how I was doing. The cool thing is, apparently there was an elderly gentlemen sitting at a table next to them, and he told the girls that he was in town because his daughter had just given birth to triplets. Hmmmm. Triplets born on the day I had 3 embies inserted into me. The rest of the day, we just hung out and Moosh took care of my while CJ left for softball. We enjoyed some lasagne, garlic bread, and watching part of "Wedding Crashers" while Maddie napped, since I'm insistent that she watches it while she's here. Plus, Vince makes me laugh and I need the laughter. I had a few moments last night of freaking out again. I had no idea where it came from, just the tears and fear crept up on me. I know we have so many prayers and so many things have lined up so perfectly for us, this has to work. But I still had the demon of fear creep inside me.

Today, I was able to get up and move about. Not moving for 2 days really weakened me surprisingly, and I felt very woozy all day. I've been feeling crampy in my uterine area, but I refuse to accept that they might mean something, because after 6 IUI's, I had cramping after every one, and every one was a failure. I had my Reiki session today, and it really helped my thoughts. I told my Reiki lady what I've been feeling. She was adamant that I DO NOT allow negative thought to enter my mind, and to think positive. While she was beginning her process, her hands on my head, she stopped and said, "Carrie, can you imagine yourself inside your uterus?". I said when I tried, I saw white, like white puffy clouds. She said to hold on to that visualization and take the embryo visuals and visualize them sticking inside the white puffy clouds, sticking to me and making a baby. I tried so hard to visualize this the whole time, but I still need to work on it. When we were finished, I felt so much more positive and stress-free and relaxed. She asked me if I had imagined them sticking. I said I was trying to, and that while she had her hands on my uterus area, I could feel this "heat" down there. She said, yes, lots of heat, and she then said "You just hot glue those suckers to stick, and get inside your uterus". LOL. I love her, but she has a point. So I came home, hung out with Moosh and CJ for a bit, and then took a 3 hour nap, dreaming of hot glue guns and babies forming inside my uterus.

Coco, Bongo....and Finn????

I'm home and we had our ET yesterday. I'm currently trying to type this while half lying down,so it'll be short & sweet. Plus, the dictator (aka Chris) is making sure I lie with my legs DOWN and will only let me out of bed to go to the bathroom.
Turns out we had 9 eggs, not 10, and out of that many, only 6 were able to be fertilized. Out of the 6, 4 took, but one stopped growing, leaving us with 3 embies, a 8 cell (*most desired*), a 6 cell and a 5 cell. The doctor transferred all of them into me, and we were able to watch on the monitor as he did so. He said basically right now, it's 50/50 of working. So please pray our little Coco, Bongo, and ... FINN? stick.
I'll write more when CJ lets me up about the entire process and how nice Valium is *snicker*

*I think I just threw up a little in my mouth*

T minus 2 1/2 hours until the ET. I'm supposed to be emptying my bladder right now for the last time until after my ET. However, we all know I'm an overachiever with the water intake for procedures like this, so I'm planning on waiting another 20 minutes or so til I actually do the real thing. In 30 minutes, I get to pop my 3 Advil. And then the Valium at 10:45. Oh my God. I so need the Valium. I woke up with a whole nest of butterflies who had just hatched, inside my tummy. I feel like I am on the verge of throwing up. I choked down some eggs, yogurt, and peanut butter on rice cake, along with my cup of comfort. Oh my God. I so hope the Valium kicks in. I fell asleep again with tears, and even CJ AGAIN has admitted he is very nervous. It's out of our hands. Its up to God if He wants this to happen for us. Ok. *more deep breaths* I'm off to shower, and get my meds on schedule, and to empty the bladder. Oye.

The Warriors

It's 10:30 PM, the night before my ET, and suddenly, all the anxiety and fear I thought I had managed to get rid of this week has surfaced. Oh my God. In 13 hours, we will possible be PG. I'm scared to death. Chris is scared. Nervous. He has drank more than 2 beers tonight, signaling to me that he is feeling stress and worry. He has admitted to me twice now he's nervous about this, and if we DO manage to get PG, he's all worried about miscarriage, etc..
I just told my friend Faye, and Mooshie as well, I was surprised at myself, at my lack of "fear" and not having really any nerves about this whole process. Watching the ER on Wednesday was somewhat nerve wracking, but more "cool" in a scientific way. I almost felt detached from the reality that those eggs Moosh had are "our" eggs. Oh my God. But suddenly, its all crept up on me and decided to perch inside my stomach.

I had Chris upload my two favorite "unwinding" CD's to the MP3 player -- a Zen CD that I burned from my coworker and a "Sound Healing" CD, also borrowed and burned from another coworker. The music of these CD's manages to lull me into tranquility. I plan on having the MP3 player tomorrow, beside the 3 Advil and 2 Valium that the clinic is having me take beforehand. I am planning on listening to this tranquil,soothing music while Coco and Bongo are being inserted into my waiting uterus. Relax, little embies, get comfortable and listen to the nice music.

I just wish the clinic would tell us how many eggs fertilized. Up until this very moment, I hadn't' thought about it. Moosh told me she can't stop thinking about it, but I think the fact that SHE was the one having the procedures done to, helped cut me out of the worry-loop. Now that I'm' on stage *or in stirrups* tomorrow AM, now it's reality setting in. Its time. Time to see if I can hold on to embryos that will be placed inside my *hopefully* fluffy uterus (*pillow soft just for my pal, Veebs*). Now Chris and I are wondering how many fertilized and geesh, how many are going to make it to freeze? So many unanswered questions out there about all this (including the huge one, will it work now?).

I'm in tears. Where did they come from. Why is this fear creeping up my throat and threatening to choke me with emotion? I had Reiki again today, and it helped me tremendously. I plan on having it done again on Monday, when my 2 days of required bed rest is done. I need it to help my body unwind and give me some peace throughout my body , or at least to give me a head start on the peace factor.

*Deep breath* Ok. I'm off to bed. Off to relax, count sheep, and dream positive thoughts of babies and dogs. I know the prayers of all our supporters will hold us up and get us through these next few weeks. I also had a sign today: the first song I heard on the radio as I was driving to my chiro appointment was the 80's tune by Scandal: "The Warrior". I joke on my one message board (the one where the women oh-SO-generously contributed $$ for me and Chris), that they are Mooshie and I's "Prayer Warriors". I say that this song should be our theme song. So hearing this song the first thing today in my car, it literally shot a BOLT of excitement through my body and I literally laughed out loud. Yes. "The prayer warriors" are doing their job and we will be surrounded by love and support, come what may come.

OUCH! *(but it'll be worth it, right?)*

The past day and a half, post-Egg Retrieval, have gone relatively fast. It really helps having Moosh and Maddie here in the house, to keep things jumping and my mind occupied. Our friend Allison stopped over yesterday with her gorgeous 9 month old, Jackson, and that was fun for all. Moosh was still recuperating somewhat from her ER on Wednesday, but she said she felt pretty good, other than some cramps which she said weren't as bad as some AF cramps she's had in the past. *Whew*

I started my progesterone shots on Wednesday night -- only one per night until the ET, then I start them once in the AM and once at night. I had a page bookmarked from my IVFconnections board, on "tips" for making the shots easier, since they have been known to be painful, sore, possibly leave lumps on your ass. Dr. CJ is again in the house, and he now knows to fill the syringe with the thick, sesame seed oil, and then place it into a heating pad for about 5 minutes. Then, I lay on the bed on my tummy, and use the heating pad on the area where he is going to inject the oil (upper butt area, near the hipbone). Then, holding the needle like a dart, the ever-so-eager CJ injects the oil, only this time he can't just shoot the meds in. Oh no. This time, the oil is thick, which takes TIME to go flowing into my body, so its a slow process of me daydreaming about other things while it happens. Then, we push a bandage on the injection spot, with the heating pad on top, and try to vigorously rub the spot, to get the oil moving around, for about 5 minutes or so. I was cracking up last night, because I was telling CJ to "push harder on the spot, push harder", and I giggled and said, "Isn't it the other way around? Usually you push on the spot and THEN do the injection, but this way is backwards". Hee hee. Glad to know my perverted mind isn't completely gone yet.

The first night of the shot, I was fine. No spot, no pain, other than some minor cramping an hour or so later, in the uterine area ("settle in progesterone, and get ready to make a home for the embies"). Last night, I was a bit stiff and sore throughout the whole butt area, and this AM I awoke to some pain. Dammit, apparently we need to push harder for longer time. Hee hee. So I'm gonna milk this for what its worth with Chris tonight, and hope that the sore spot from last night does NOT turn into a lump for me. In the words of Maddie, "ewwwwww".
Today, I'm scheduled for a chiropractic adjustment and another 30 minute Reiki session. I'm trying to remain calm and positive for tomorrow's ET. *deep breath in, deep breath out*. Knowing I have so many people out there praying for us, I can't help but feel those prayers and be anything BUT positive at this point. It is GOING to work. We will have leftovers to freeze. Do you think if I chant this for 2 weeks, it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy? I sure as hell hope so.

ER is done: 10 eggies!

The story of our Egg Retrieval Day:
We got up this AM, loaded up and dropped Mads off at Big Mady and Missy's house, another friend of Mooshie and I from the board, who is now an excellent friend of mine, and an excellent helper!

We got to clinic and off CJ went to deposit his boys. *snicker*. Mooshie and I waited in the waiting room, glancing through the trashy movie gossip magazines with stick figure ladies, and then CJ came back, complete with his job.
The nurse, Courtney, came and said it's time to go prep -- but CJ declined to come back. He felt awkward going back with the two of us, but now he's totally kicking himself in the ass that he didn't come with, because I got to watch the doctor "aspirate" the follicles, aka "suck the liquid out of each follie". He loves that kind of science stuff. Oh well, hopefully there won't BE a next time, so he missed his chance.

Anyhoo -- Mooshie went through the background medical stuff with Courtney and chatted about where she is from *(Portland)*. And again, Courtney asked if Mooshie and I were sisters, since so far every nurse has seemed to think we resemble each other. The anesthesiologist came and hooked up Mooshie's IV and went over all the drug information with her; they were putting her half under, just enough to make her fall asleep for a few minutes. At around 10:50 or so they walked her into the ER room. She got on the table and the nurses bundled her in blankets, and one nurse strapped her legs to the stirrups (apparently others have tried to get up and walk) and the anesthesiologist wrapped her upper body in a blanket and clipped them shut . Like a mummy. Mummy Moosh.
Dr. S came in, smiling, and said hello to us (we had said a brief hello in the waiting /prep room). He saw Mooshie lying there on the table and said she didn't look like she was 32, he said she looked more like 22. She smiled, all groggy from the drugs starting to flow through her veins, and said "you can do anything you want". LOL. The drugs were kicking in and you could see she was getting more and more loopy. She was watching the lights on the ceiling and said it felt like she had 10 glasses of red wine poured into her.
I have to also say, the nurses throughout this, and Dr. S. were ALL extremely kind to both of us through all this and so warm and informative.
Mooshie fell asleep, they dimmed the lights, and they started the process. The doc's nurse, Sarah, was by his side holding the little test tubes. In this ER room there is a window that goes into the Embryologist lab---- so the nurse is helping the doc then handing the test tubes with follicle fluid/eggs to the lab directly.
Dr. S inserts the trans-vag. ultrasound wand, to see the follies and uterus, then takes this LARGE needle thing and sticks it up as well. This penetrates the vaginal wall into the ovary, and then sucks each mature follicle -- it sucks the follicles "liquid" into the test tube which Sarah then hands to the lab -- while she says "Right side" or "left side". As the follicle is getting sucked, you can literally see it disappear as it collapses on the screen. I guess this is called egg aspiration procedure. Meanwhile, the women in the lab behind the window is taking the tubes and apparently looking under a microscope to see if eggs are in the tubes, because they are yelling out "1" or "2", etc., and they finished with Mooshie at 9.
Dr. S. says it went very well, etc., they turn lights on and start unstrapping her legs and unwrapping her, while she is still sleeping, but the IV gal is starting to wean her from the drugs to get her to wake up.
Doc. S goes into the lab, and then comes back to talk to me. He tells me they got 10, not 9 eggs, 5 on each side! YAY! He says that is excellent, there were no "empty" follicles, which can happen.
He says we will ICSI (shoot the sperm directly INTO the eggie) the first 8 eggs and then the final 2 will be fertilized the "normal" way -- in a tube or whatever and hope they find each other.
The doc seemed very happy with the egg results, and said to plan on our 11:45 AM (CST) Embryo transfer on Saturday.
However, he said that if we have some really excellent quality embryos, then we"may" have a day 5 transfer -- to let them divide (cells) a bit longer -- which may be better and more successful. But he seemed positive it would work. Well, the docs have to be like that though, don't they?

Mooshie was adorable waking up, and insisting she could help get herself up. She does not remember that. Heehee.
We went back to the room and she slowly got less and less groggy and within a 1/2 hour she was herself, except more tired and groggy than a usual day. She repeated herself a few times, asking about how many eggs they got, and asking me if I was OK with that. At one point, she got all teary and said she just hopes this work. I took her hand and there we were, me standing next to her, holding her hand while she lied there, trying not to cry. I assured her we were VERY excited and happy and are thrilled that she is even doing any of this for us. 10 eggs is a great number, and its all about quality over quantity, anyways.

We eavesdropped on a few different women and their DH's that were on either side of the curtains of Mooshie. They were also have their ER's, and the one next to us was getting emotional before they took her into the ER room. When her and her DH got back, I heard her asking her DH how many eggs they got, and they told her 9 eggs. Her DH told her, "that's 2 more eggs than last time, honey". *sigh* I'm hoping that our 10 eggs is an even, positive number and we are successful. This is all so scary to go through.

I went and rejoined Chris in the lobby, where he was waiting. He had went to get an early lunch and did some shopping while we had the ER done. I told him all about what had happened and he seemed very excited.

Mooshie came into the lobby with Courtney, and she is now trying to rest downstairs, although Maddie keeps crying for her mama, while I am trying to watch her so Mooshie can rest. Maddie missed her mommy so much today, so I can imagine its hard to be out of town and know your mom is in the house. They are sleeping together now. I'm hoping that the prayers of all our family and friends is doing magic on the eggies and they are playing nicely with the swimmers right now!

Oh My Goodness

*speechless*
OMG. Tonight, Mooshie came upstairs with her video camera, to video tape Maddie with us, or so I assumed. Imagine my surprise when she gave me a gift bag full of cards and 3 checks with $$ totaling almost $2000 from the girls on our message board. OMG. Can you say overwhelmed? Can you say love struck? Can you say speechless? I immediately teared up and realized she had the video camera on me. I hate when I cry and I hate crying in front of people, and I hate trying to TALK when I'm. But OMG. Speechless.

The generosity of the girls on our message board goes above and beyond any other friends I"ve ever had, in real life. The friends on this board have been through all my ups and downs, and even though on this board, most of them have no idea what Chris and I are going through, they are always there to cheer me up -- through emails, cards, and phone calls. *sitting here in tears again* Oye.

People just don't get what there 'is' to an online community. But without this online community, I would have never met Mooshie -- who would've never offered to be my egg donor. Without Mooshie who knows where we would have gone. We would have never had the blessing of knowing her and knowing precious little Maddie, the little cutie who is now flirting with my hubby after her bathtime. We would have never had the TREMENDOUS outpouring of love, support, PRAYERS, and now $$ gift to go towards another attempt at this if this one fails. (and I would have never had the friends in real life here in MN that I do now, who continue to be my rocks and stones through all my ups and down, as well).

I'm still speechless and flabbergasted. I pray thanks to God for leading me down this path. This is truly amazing. This has to work, there are just too many factors leading us to positive things. Oprah, you have got to see and hear about this. LOL

Dog days of summer

Treble got in his first dog fight today. *crying* He has always been the most passive, sweetest dog ever, and he still is-- but most of the time when we go to the dog park --and I've noticed this ONLY since we've gotten Sage-- he gets "growly" at other male dogs that come near him. When our neighbors across the street got their 2nd dog, a male Golden/Coon Hound mix (a HUGE doggie), our dogs were so excited, but we noticed Treble got really growly with Tucker when he came into OUR yard. Tucker always seemed put out and sad about this.
Well, this AM as I was coming home from walking the furkids on the "loop" walk, we saw Tucker and Riley were out. I let Tboy off his leash to go play, keeping Sager on hers (Miss I-Run--Away). The dogs were playing, but it was then I noticed Tucker had a bone. Uh oh. Bones and Tboy don't mix -- he always assumes they are HIS. Well, Michelle and I were chatting about her painting the bathrooms, when all of a sudden, Tucker and Treble were going at it -- fighting! UGGGG!. Michelle and I were BOTH screaming at our dogs and attempting to separate them -- Tucker literally had his jaws (huge) around Treble's NECK. Uggggg. They kept going at it and even Sage was yipping at them and growling. I finally got Tboy's harness and yanked him away. WHEW. Both dogs were panting hard and in all honesty, I think Tucker just got fed up with Treble's "growling at him" shit and said "shut up, small dog!".
We got in the house, me all shaky, and I noticed a hunk of hair was missing from behind Treble's left shoulder. No blood, but then I realized, as he sat on his perch on the loveseat, he kept licking at something on his front right leg. Yep, a small, yet really deep wound was bleeding, and now my love seat is not only 1)tore up, half eaten, stuffing missing, and sagging, but 2) now has blood stains that we'll need to work out. *sigh*. Tboy seemed to be limping a bit, so I gave him some baby asprin and lots of love and we all three (me and the fur kids) took a nap to the sounds of Maddie playing downstairs.

Tomorrow, tomorrow - you're only a day away!

Monday AM: I wake Mooshie up and we travel up north 30 min. to my fertility clinic. This is it: its time to see how her follies are coming along and if we'll get an early ER date.
We arrive and the receptionist leads us (yes, together!) to the back room. I've already commented pre-visit that I wonder what the people in the waiting area will think. Will they know she is my donor or will they assume we are a couple. Talk amongst yourselves. LOL Anyhoo, we get in, Mooshie makes her paper blanket into a very attractive skirt, and the U/S gal comes in. I get to record the follie sizes, as I also get to watch her measure them on the screen! I loved it! So many follies to see! I've never in my life had more than maybe one or two, so seeing them almost made me jump for joy. Whew. Calming down, I wrote down the measurements as she told me: Mooshie's left side remained at around 6, and had some decent sized ones. Her right side apparently took all the prayers from Friday and blossomed -- into around 7 follies, plus more smaller ones hard to measure! She even had a few that were at a 24 and a 22! WOW! Her lining also looked perfect, and the U/S gal commented that it was too bad they couldn't take her perfect lining and transfer THAT into other women who are having difficulty getting their lining to thicken.

We then had to go sit in the room next door and wait for our instructions. Nancy, the nurse, arrived, and Mooshie received her drug instructions for the next few days. YES! She was to do her trigger shot at 11 PM, and plan on a Wednesday ER! WHOOT! We are so excited! A day earlier than anticipated!
We left the clinic feeling very optimistic, and drove to my Reiki gal. I told Mooshie to go first, since she hasn't ever experienced Reiki, and I wanted her to relax and enjoy it. She came out looking very sleepy and smiling. I went in with my gal, and she let me know that she only had about 25 minutes, because we had arrived a bit late after the clinic visit. I said that was OK, she could do whatever with me, and she said "In that case, I'm going straight to the bank", and instead of starting at my head (for clarity), she went directly to my uterus area (which she usually finishes with). I felt nice and relaxed, especially after she worked on my chest and neck area, and we left to drive back home.

I called CJ when Mooshie was having her Reiki done, and he sounded SO excited on the phone to hear the news. He was repeating the number of follicles to my parents, who were still at my house, and I could hear little Maddie go "yay!", as he was telling them. LOL. He said that Maddie was doing great with her adoptive Bumpa and Nano, and when he went down to get her out of her crib that AM, she wasn't sure of him, but went directly to "Bumpa". CJ was off for work, he had a meeting, so Maddie was going to be taken care of until we got home by my parents.

We arrived home, and Maddie was clearly excited to see Mama, mama. My parents were also very excited about the news, and as my mom and I stepped out on our deck for a minute, she put her hand around my waist and asked if I was getting excited. She also told me that if this doesn't work, that it won't be the end of the world. My mom knows how emotional I can get, and although I know she means well, I still get a lurch inside of annoyance, because I want everybody to know that IF I get a BFN and we have to figure something else out, I know for myself that it WILL be OK if I get really upset and sad. People have to understand that this is almost like grieving the loss of a child each time you go through this: the potential child you have dreamed of, and as each cycle goes by, you try to remain positive that this WILL work this time. So when and if it doesn't, it will be OK for me to grieve and cry and vent and swear. And if I don't want to get out of bed for a few days, that is also perfectly normal and I'm OK with that.

My parents were getting ready to head back up North to Duluth, especially since my grandpa is in the hospital with pneumonia, and my grandma had her bad fall. So Moosie and I loaded up Maddie again, and we joined my parents for a goodbye lunch at the Cracker Barrel. Maddie had a tough time, and wasn't her happy-go-lucky self, because she is teething, so it was nice when her ibuprofin and teething tablets had obviously "kicked in". She seemed to enjoy her grilled cheese *"cheese, cheese?"* sandwich. My dad certainly enjoyed keeping her entertained. As we wrapped up leaving the restaurant, my Dad paid the bill ahead of time, and hurried back so he could walk out with Maddie to the parking lot. Mooshie, my mom and I found them outside the restaurant sitting in a white rocking chair, rocking away. *sigh*. We said our goodbyes, getting a little misty-eyed again, and my dad walked us to the car to strap Maddie in her seat *how cute, eh?*.

We went home, and spent the rest of the day hanging out and I took a hard core nap, along with Maddie. Moosh was going to, and needed to, but she played on the internet catching up with her family a bit too long, because when she went down to sleep, Maddie woke up. I then got up and we made some Pampered Chef Beer bread to accompany our white bean chicken chili for supper, and CJ came and went and came back home ; he had gotten a haircut. He also came home with the kiddie blow up pool for Miss Maddie to enjoy, since the weather has been so warm.

We ate our dinner, (and I think CJ and I ate half the loaf of beer bread alone, *blush*), and then at 8 PM, CJ and I watched our Treasure Hunters show, and Mooshie joined us in watching. I think she enjoyed it along with us. Then, she put Maddikins to bed, and her and I shared the laptop computer downstairs and instant-messaged with our friend Veebs in CA. LOL. It was fun.

Mooshie did her last trigger shot at 11 PM and now she is letting her eggies get ready to come out tomorrow AM at 11 AM! We are continuing to pray that this works, and then I have my ET on Saturday at 11:45 AM. I've already set up another Reiki session for myself on Friday afternoon, I'm going to need it (along with the 2 valium I get to pop before the ET).

Day 2

Wow, the time is going by so fast already! It's amazing! It seems like Mooshie and Maddie just got here and already 2 full days have flown by.
It's funny -- tonight, Mooshie and I were chatting with my parents, and we all also agreed that the waiting for this donor cycle to actually START and come together also seemed to be so far off in the distance, and whammo, its here already. We are both (Moosh) and I starting to get anxious. Butterflies fill my tummy on a regular basis.
This AM, I woke up to CJ coming to tell me that Miss Maddie was downstairs awake. I could hear her lilting voice babbling away. I got up, and we all chilled out and ate some breakfast, while CJ snoozed off and on on the couch. Maddie started bringing him books to look at, and soon, the two of them were cuddled up like 2 peas in a pod. It is enough to make you just want to cry almost from the sight of it.
Then we all cleaned up, because it was parade day!
My IL's arrived, with Abby in tow. They, along with Chris, trekked over to the spot Chris had saved for our "parade perch". Soon after, my friend Missy, her 22 month old Mady, her DH, and their friends, arrived as well. They also trekked over to our parade spot, to look for CJ and company. Then Mooshie and I were just packing up our gear to walk over when my parents pulled into the driveway. They said hello to the furkids, who were manic by now (after all these guests) and then we walked over to the parade to join the others. What was a killer on the heart strings was watching Maddie hold both my parents by the hand and walking over to our group like this. *sigh*. She started immediately calling them both "Bumpa" and "Nano", just like my IL's, so she must one of the most loved little angels, with all these "Bumpas" and "Nanos".
We watched the parade awhile, and while Maddie took turns between sitting on my MIL's lap, and hanging out with my own mom, we watched Princesses go by in cars, on floats, bands and dance troups as well. It was a hot day, but CJ had saved our spot under a cool spot in the shade and there was a cool breeze,making it a perfect day to be surrounded by so much love -- with good friends and family.
We all packed up our gear and headed home, and Marge and Jim were on their way home to Grand Forks. We said our goodbyes, and they took Abby with them, causing the noise level in the house to come down considerably (hee hee). CJ went upstairs to take a snappy nap, and Mooshie and I hung out with my parents and Maddie, playing with the Little People farm and Bus that my mom had gotten from my cousin. Maddie again was plying my parents with her charms ("Nana, Bumpa") and you could visably see their hearts swelling with love for this little person herself, dimples flashing. I woke up CJ and he left for his Softball game -- he has league night on Sunday.
Then we decided to go get some dinner, so we loaded up and had dinner at Teresa's down the block *yummy mexican*. Maddie let my dad carry her in and out, and load her in her car seat. She actually put her arms out for him to do this. She was very impressed with the restaurant's music, and started bopping in her seat immediately. But what REALLY made her smile was the yellow balloon that the waiter brought her. It only escaped our hands 2 times at the restaurant.
We came home for a quick potty break, because then it was time to go watch Sassy Sager in her Agility class. I changed my clothes into my work out clothes, because there is no air in the dog place, and it was HOT, especially when you are running around for an hour. Sass did OK at class, not her best, but I think she was tired out from all the company and was a bit distracted. It was so fun to see Maddie and the crew on the sidelines watching Sass and having fun. Maddie even clapped a few times for Sass and the other dog, Sammy.
We came home, Maddie and Mooshie took showers, and CJ came home from his softball game. We sat around and talk talk talked some more, and I used my new Pampered Chew corer and egg slicer to clean up some strawberries and slice them up. That egg slicer worked like a dream! LOL. I dished up strawberries and whipped cream *yum, and even squirted some in my mouth! LOL*, and Maddie made the rounds, getting strawberries fed to her from her mama and her new adopted "Nano". LOL.
Now we are all in bed, and I am up too late, getting my blog done. I want to make sure I record what we do each day, even if it does sound boring. I like to look back and reflect on what we did and where we went. I have to get up at 6:45 and Mooshie and I are headed up to my clinic for her ultrasound and bloodwork. Then I am having her experience Reiki - I booked us both a 30 minute session with my gal, and I am looking so forward to it, as it really does help relax me. Then I am hoping to rest some more and enjoy my out-of-town guests, because they are so fun and I love having them here.
It is amazing to me how when a child goes to bed, the house seems so silent. I told my parents a few times tonight: can you imagine doing this (eating out at a restaurant), playing with the child at night, run run running around because they get into everything. It STILL seems like something that I may not be able to attain for some time. Its hard to even THINK that I could be PG in just a few weeks.