Fourth of July Five

I borrowed this from my friend, Emilie, who in turn borrowed it from The RevGals.......

1) Do you celebrate 4th of July (or some other holiday representing independence?)
Normally, my family has always celebrated the 4th of July. We always spent it with my mom's extended family at her aunt Jessie and uncle Bert's cabin on Lake Amnicon, just outside of Superior, WI. For as long as I can remember, we spent the day out there, the older men grilling, playing volleyball, swimming, re-meeting distant cousins and getting to know them. Great-Aunt Jessie and Great-Uncle Bert sold their cabin last year, so last year was the first year we had no 4th celebration to count on. My cousin got married last year on July 2nd, right here in Lakeville ironically, and so Chris and I had the family over on the 3rd for a Mini-GTG. This year, Chris and I will spend the 4th together, w/the furkids.
2) When was the first time you felt independent, if ever?
I think when I finally moved out on my own, at age 22, down to the twin cities. I had lived at home all through college, which was probably not the best idea looking back (but it saved me $$$). When I graduated college, I had to find a job and the first job offer I got down in White Bear Lake, I took. I lived with my friend Natasha's sister, Aleks, for a year, then moved out and lived alone for a few years.
3) If you're hosting a cookout, what's on the grill?
Well, we're not this year, but if we were most likely we'd be grilling burgers and brats, that seems to be the standby. We may grill out at Corey and Jill's on Sunday, and I think that is what we'll be having, maybe some chicken or salmon as well.
4) Strawberry Shortcake -- biscuit or sponge cake? Discuss.
Well, if I were younger, I'd say Strawberry Shortcake. Now I'd say sponge cake for the lightness and add some strawberries and whipped cream (preferably Reddi Whip) on top.
5) Fireworks -- best and worst experience
The best is easy. I was around 10 or 11 and my aunt was dating my now deceased Uncle Don. Don was the assistant Fire Chief in Duluth, and we got to sit on top, on the roof, of Fire Station #1 in Downtown Duluth and had a perfect view of the fireworks over the Duluth Harbor. The worst. I honestly can't remember any "bad" experiences, but now that poor Treble is so traumatized by any type of fireworks, I find myself trying to avoid fireworks of any kind. (*Treble even got his own meds at Target the other day, and I, for some reason, find it higly amusing that is says: Treble "K9" Campbell on his prescription bottle. So far, we haven't gave him any meds, yet, but I have a feeling once the parties get going this weekend, our boy is going to be needing some anti-anxiety help :( *)

On another note, I just got home from treating myself to an hour massage and a spur-of-the-moment Pedicure (*sigh, this is what summer is all about!*), so I'm off to eat some lunch and spend some more quality time cuddling my fur kids.

Thumbs up on Mooshie's follies

YAY!
9 days from today and Mooshie will be here, ready for depositing her eggs (LOL).

She had her baseline checkup -ultrasound and blood work today, and this is what she posted on our message board:

I'm right on track!!!!!

I had 11 vials of blood drawn--all the ones for my hormone levels were spot on.
They still have more vials that they're waiting on as well as some of my urine,
but those were all just repeats of the infectious lab tests I've had before so
we know those are just fine. They had to do it all over because the FDA
requires that it's done within 30 days of the egg retrieval.

As for the trans-vag ultrasound-my uterine lining was 2.6, which the Dr. said is
thin and "perfect". No cysts anywhere. I have a tilted uterus (no
big whoop--got an almost 9 lb kid in and out of there before, right?) He
could not find my right ovary for several minutes--OK, that got my heart
pounding a little--but then he pushed on my tummy and found it. The
ovary measurements on both sides were great and he found 11 pre-follicles,
I guess you would call them. Basically it's where the follies are most apt
to grow. And that's without the stims (injections that hyper-stimulate
your ovaries). That number should increase when I start the stim meds...so
11 is really like the baseline number from what I understand. (hence the name "baseline ultrasound", I presume? DUH )

(this would be what is called her "pre-antral count")


And best of all....the Dr. (while his face was in my crotch--HELLO) said "I LOVE your shoes! They look kinda dressy, kinda athletic and really comfortable!" LMAO. I
loved him. He had one of those awesome smiles and was the kind of guy you
just want to hug for some unknown reason. OK, so that's not the "best of
all" news, I was being silly. But pretty funny, dontcha think?

So provided I haven't somehow been struck by lightning from the Hepatitis or STD Gods, we are GOOD TO GO!!!! The ER is still set for the 13th!!!


PROTOCOL FOR ME:

5/26-6/24 Birth Control Pill
6/20-7/2 Lupron injections
1/day 10 units until the ER
6/28-7/13 Baby Aspirin 1/day
7/2--Lupron 5 units, Menopur (2) and Follistim (75) injections daily plus baby
aspirin.
7/5 -- blood test
7/6 -- Stop Menopur injections, Follistim injection (225)
7/7 -- blood test and ultrasound, drugs to be determined based on results
7/7 -- red eye flight to MN with Maddie, too!
7/11 -- Trigger shot
7/13 -- ER!!

WHOOT WHOOT!

Check: another one down, and a future "family" pic?

Check another "to do" off our list. I started my Estrodiol this AM, I take it twice a day now. I also started my Amoxicillian three times a day and CJ started his own antibiotic twice a day. We will take these until the ET (Embryo Transfer), and I'm praying I don't get a rager of a yeast infection from the thrice daily dose of killer bacteria. I've been TRYING to eat a yeast free, sugar free diet in hopes to keep a possible infection at bay, but I've also been known to cheat quite a bit lately *blush*

In other news, 10 day countdown til Mooshie and her daughter, Maddie, are here. I looked at the calendar today and I swear, my heart skipped a beat with excitement! OYE! the joy!

Here's a few pics of me and Mooshie from our April visit (when she, her DH , and Maddie came to visit and we got the final thumbs-up from our doctor)


And here is a picture of Mooshie's Maddie, with Auntie & Uncle Soups. We are hoping and praying to have a little one *or two* sometime next year, so a friend of mine added in a little "Bongo" to our "pretend" family pic, since Maddie already can represent our "Coco". LOL

Knock knock knockin' on heaven's door

Lately I've been thinking about CJ and I and what exactly our plan in life is. I don't mean what we WANT our life to be, complete with a house, 2 dogs, and 2 kids, but what the big Man upstairs has planned. I know that we have to let go and let things happen as they are supposed to , but I still wonder sometimes why must it be US that goes through these painful, emotional times, and what exactly is the lesson behind all this? Why must we endure heartache for so many years? Why is it seemingly so easy for some people to just try once or twice and have a baby, while it takes other years and many tears to maybe even get just one baby?

Before I met CJ, I was what I considered to be a "serial dater", meaning I dated friends of friends, guys I met out, guys I met online on Match.com, and none of them ever seemed to be looking for the same things I was. I wanted to be in a committed relationship, with a plan of having kids and dogs. Sure, they might have said they wanted that, but when the pressure was on, they crumbled. Chris came along and was different from all the rest. He was real and he wanted what I wanted. I was looking through CJ and I's early emails to each other tonight: the emails we passed between each other the first few months we were together. I asked Chris tonight where the man in those emails went? LOL. We were clearly both so excited about starting our new relationship and you can feel the nerves, the tension, the excitedness, the happy joy in reading those emails. I'm glad I kept them.

CJ and I knew within a month that we wanted a future together and we wanted our future to have children. I had waited for years to find a man like him. I had put up with friends' comments about how I was looking too hard, I was expecting too much, I needed to just relax and let things happen as they may. (hmm, sounds like similar things they said when we were TTC as well) But when you are a "Professional Bridesmaid" 12-13 times, and watch all your friends get married, or remarried, you start to get jealous and long for a partner of your own to share your life with. I was tired of living my "single" life in my apartment alone.

Right before I met CJ, I had gone to church with a friend of mine, after I had just been dumped for the zillionth time by yet another guy who wasn't sure he was ready to be "serious". I was heartbroken and feeling like I was unwanted and incapable of being loved for who I was and what I wanted. I went to church with my girlfriend, and that day was a day of people's testimonials. I listened to people talking about giving themselves up to God's plan, and right there, in her church, I prayed. I prayed hard and long and I got teary-eyed praying. I begged God to let me find peace within myself for being alone for the time being, and I prayed that He would show me the man who I was supposed to be with. I literally "gave up" and decided I was done trying to seek the man for myself. Two days later, Chris wrote to me via my Match.com profile I had recently re-done and dangled out there online, to see "who would bite". Chris was looking for what I wanted, and so we WERE a perfect match. We do compliment each other well.

When we first started TTC, I knew we 'might' have problems. I didn't anticipate all the heartache or struggle, though. We started out praying more back then, much more than we probably do now. I would tell everybody we were trying for a baby. I rubbed PG bellies and assumed that soon, something HAD to happen, right? Every night, CJ would place his hands on my tummy and we would pray to St. Gerard:

Good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, we call upon you and seek your aid. You know that this marriage has not yet been blessed with a child and how much Chris and Carrie desire this gift. Please present these fervent pleas to the Creator of Life, from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless this couple with a child whom they may raise as His child and heir of heaven. Amen.

Sometime, Treble would even lay his paws across my belly, not realizing what we were doing. Chris and I would laugh, and say that Treble wanted a baby in the house, too. But now that its almost been three years, the laughter and joy in our remarks is gone. Now I feel like wild-eyed, desperate, emotional, snappy woman, who has given up on assuming it 'will' happen. However, this past Sunday, our pastor said goodbye to our church. It was an emotional service, and Chris and I were so sad to see her leave. But in her final scripture reading, she read this:

Matthew 7:7-8: Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

Was this a sign? Chris tells me I read too much into things about "signs", but I truly believe that there are signs in this world telling us how to follow our God-planned paths, we just have to be aware of them. This is how God answers our prayers. I feel Mooshie was a God given angel offered to us to use her eggs to make OUR baby, I truly do. Should we go back to praying hard and asking God to give us the baby we so desired? This scripture excited me, and when I got home Sunday, I was driven to open up my bedside Bible and find the quotes I used to rely on daily to help myself trust that I will be mommy:

Psalm 18:6: In my distress, I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple, he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.

Proverbs 3:-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.

and my favorite, because we had this as part of our wedding ceremony (I truly believe this is appropriate for Chris and I):

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

"Plans to give you hope and a future". I gave up years ago on finding somebody and along came Chris two days later. Maybe if I finally "let go" and realize that I will be a mom, someday, somehow, God will let me know my future. That is what makes me believe finally this might happen with all this hubbub with Mooshie. This was not the path I had envisioned myself going down, using donor eggs. I was devastated to have to resort to not using my own eggs, to know that our child would not have my genetics as part of their make up. But I came to peace about it. And its also what gives ME the strength to know that even if we do NOT get PG with donor eggs this time, quite possibly our paths will be to adopt. We will know one way or another sooner than later, and for this, I am grateful.

The bitch is back

*yes, I love me my Elton John*
**and hopefully for the LAST time**

It's amazing to me that when you are trying to have a baby, just how much time and body landmarks become so overly important. You live your life in increments of 2 week periods: you get your AF (Aunt Flo), and then around 2 weeks or so, your body SHOULD ovulate.....and around 2 weeks from ovulation, you SHOULD get your AF, unless you are PG. We TTCers call that the "2 week wait". "Oh yeah, I'm in the dreaded 2 ww (week wait)". When you start doing medicated cycles and getting shots to induce ovulation, your body becomes less your own and more of a "let's make a baby" machine" of the doctors. And getting the dreaded AF can mean a bad thing ("oh damn, it didn't work AGAIN for us this month" , usually accompanied by uncontrollable sobbing/venting/wailing/anger), or a good thing ("yay, AF is here so we can start our next IUI cycle"). You also live by your monitoring days and which days you are supposed to do the meds. For example, most medicated cycles take place between cycle days 3-7 or 10 or 12, depending on what you're on and how you respond.

Being on IVF, the docs have complete control of your cycles/ ie: bodies. Mooshie and I were placed on the pill months ago, to coordinate our cycles to their (ie: doctor's) complete control, so they can line up the "perfect" days for us to do our separate meds so that our embryos can be transferred into my waiting, heavily mediated uterus (which, BTW, my doc says is more physiologically alluring than the "natural" uterus when a PG occurs, chew on that!). Mooshie and I went off the pill for a month, and then started it up again for the "real deal" cycle. I was on the damn thing for 40 days and I think she was around the same amount of time.

I went off the pill last Thursday, and had my Depo-Lupron shot Wednesday, the 14th. The nurse in charge of our scheduling told me that when I went off the pill, I should have some spotting/bleeding, and that if I DID NOT have any bleeding, that I should call and let them (ie the docs) know because then I might screw the cycle up somehow (no, not really, but then they would have to do something to make me bleed before I start my Estrogen on Wednesday). Well, ladies and gentleman, the bitch is back! She showed up with a vengeance yesterday before church and was accompanied by her co-conspirators, cramps and sleepiness. Today, she is pretty light, which means she wasn't a "true" AF, just a 'little bit of bleeding', which seems to be exactly what I should have done. *whew* Check mark that one down, as well. Now how many to go? Its silly how worked up I can get over these stupid little landmarks, like "bleeding' on schedule. Just add that to the one million things I needlessly worry about, eh, CJ?

~~~ edited in the evening~~~

Spoke too soon. The bitch WAS back with a vengeance. Her pals, cramps and headache, decided to rile her up and that river this AM turned into an ocean. Uggg. Not pleasant in the 80' weather and humidty. Oh well, such is life.

3 Jinxings in a row?

Lord: have mercy.

CJ and I were on our way home from church today, when we decided to stop at Home Depot to look for baby gates, because when Mooshie and Maddie come for the ER/ET (*Egg Retrieval/Embryo Tranfer*) in July, we'll need a gate at the top of our many staircases. When they visited in April, Maddie did one head-over-heels tumble and we don't need any ER visits on top of our Fertility clinics that week. I'm also having a friend and her (then) 14 month old visit in August, so what better time to get baby gates?

Home Depot had crap to select from, so we swung by Burlington Coat Factory/Baby Depot on the spur of the moment. I say "Lord, Have Mercy" because wandering through the baby furniture, I could barely contain my glee. The choices, the selection, uggg, the bedding (my heart, my heart) -- I refrained from looking too much at anything. What made my heart sing with joy was when CJ was checking out cribs and commenting on what he liked and didn't like. We didn't find any gates we liked there so we'll be ordering the one we saw online - its wood and more "classy" looking. When we got by the strollers, CJ pointed out a few he liked and I told him I'd found one I liked -- when I told him the price, he said sarcastically, "Oh I'm SURE it's expensive", obviously insinuating I have higher priced taste. But I told him I'm only planning on buying things of QUALITY for Coco and Bongo, and he said he agrees, we'll be doing our research when the time comes.

YAY! We're off to visit Abby and Mason, Mason requested "Treble" on the phone with uncle this AM. So we're off.

Jinx! (so can I talk or will I turn into a witch?)

I met my good friend Allison for lunch today, minus her gorgeous 8 month old Jackson....Mister blue-eyed happy boy. She was in need of some girl time, so we met for lunch at the Good Earth in Edina (yum, good stuff, and I also was able to stock up on some more raspberry red tea). I met Allison online on another MSN private message board, a TTC board that some girls I know spun off, for those of us having issues TTC. Because of Allison, I did my IUI's #'s 3, 4, and 5 with her OB's office, since they do IUI's. Dr. H was great, and his nurse practioners that we dealt with were fabulous. Ironically, Allison is one of 3 girls that I had an IUI the same exact day as -- and she is one of 3 girls that got PG and I didn't. We each had our IUI's in January, 2005, and she got PG, I didn't. What a gorgeous child Jackson is, thank goodness I don't hold grudges! LOL.

Allison's friend works for Pottery Barn and was able to get her, for cost, the adorable blue doggie critter chair from the Farmyard Friend's nursery collection, which she then passed on to me. This is Jinx #1 for me. Buying a damn doggie critter chair for a child. I've held off for YEARS on buying anything remotely baby and nursery related, so as not to jinx myself (as well as I know my taste for things can change frequently). But how could I not get this gorgeous, soft-as-butter doggie?? If anything, I hope and pray my kids someday love dogs/animals as much as I do (watch, they'll be so sick of doggies being shoved down their throats, they'll be anti-animal kids). Also somewhat I find sort of ironic, is the fact that the child in the picture looks almost EXACTLY like my egg donor's daughter, Maddie! *twilight zone music*.

After lunch today, with bellies engorged, and gum-snappin', we browsed the shops at the overly expensive Galleria mall, and wandered into the Pottery Barn Kids. We oohed and ahhed over the adorable items and they had my Farmyard Critter blue doggie BIBS for clearance. How could I NOT get one, or two? Because bibs do get dirty, and having two is a good idea. LOL So Jinx #2 occurred today, I bought myself two of the blue doggie bibs and one of the pink piggie (also in the pic). *sigh* Now I'm hoping and praying that Coco and Bongo decide to make an appearance in the Spring of 2007, and not embarrass their foolish mama-to-be.

More bliss

It's crazy. Sometimes I lay in bed at night, or when I'm driving somewhere, I daydream about more things to write about in the blog. What a great outlet. I always used to say I wanted to be a writer. That was one of the many things I wanted to be when I was younger, besides a waitress, a vet, a teacher, an artist, an actress, and who knows what else. I used to dictate stories to my mom and Grandma Gina when I was 4 and 5, and then draw the illustrations. We still have one of my stories, called the "Heart Family", about a family of hearts. (I can remember their heart dog, imagine that). In college and afterwards, I changed my interest to scriptwriting, because I was convinced that the stories of my screwed-up friends, and my screwy dating stores (some unbelievable, but true) would make good movie material. But laziness has taken over and now blogging is my game; I'm CJ's "little blogger". (*I like to say, "I"m a blogger, I blog", with reference to this. *).

Last night, I tried falling asleep next to the symphony of the inconsistent freight train, and the lip smacking crescendo. Finally, after unsuccessfully pushing a wild elbow aside, I took my pillow to the upstairs guest room to camp out, begging Treble to come back and cuddle with me. He was already freaked out from the thunderstorm we had just had, so taking him out of his "doggie bed" routine was not going to work. Sager followed me, though, surprisingly, because when she starts her bedtime routine, she usually doesn't budge from her doggie bed til around 4 or 5 AM, when she then yawns, does her cat stretch, and the comes to my side of the bed, scratching until I bend over to pick her long, lean body into our bed. Then she disappears for a few more hours in between blankets towards the bottom of the bed. (*note to self, get those doggie stairs, since our Princess and the Pea gigantic mattress will not allow me with a PG belly to lean over to pick her up without toppling OUT of the bed. Not a pretty sight, I can imagine*).

I settled into my guest bed, really my old full size I owned before moving in with CJ, and more thoughts plagued me. Thoughts of all the BLISS I find in my life, to help cope with the sad negative of this infertility journey that has otherwise consumed my every breath for almost 3 years. Well, I guess it can be 3 years now, since we talked of our TTC efforts the summer before, hoping I'd get PG and be PG at our November wedding.

I'll name my bliss. See if you can relate.

• Last night, I had a "super size" Reese's Peanut Butter cup. I cheated on my "diet" but my migraine-type headache demanded that after almost puking and holding an ice bag to my head for an hour, I deserved a treat. I was in HEAVEN. The taste of that gigantic peanut butter/chocolate cup was freaking AWESOME. I think CJ though I was nuts, the way I kept raving about it. (* well, we all know I am overly dramatic, and he is used to my crazy ramblings at this point*)
• I've also mentioned some other bliss(es) of mine. The movie theater. Having grown up w/a neighbor that managed the local Cinema, who was also my parents' drinking buddy, I practically lived on the weekends at the Duluth Cinema (only 2 screens then). (What easier way to get rid of the kids for a few hours, then to drop them off at the theater and let your employees take care of them?) I was seeing rated R movies before my friends could barely see PG-13. I love movies. LOVE THEM. Walking into a theater, smelling the popcorn, the musty smell of mildew seats; I'm home. Nine out of ten times when we walk into a theater, I tell CJ I'm home, as I can physically FEEL the release of tension. Weird, eh?
• Music. I mentioned in my previous post about how music is my outlet. But I DO love music. LOVE IT. I regret wholeheartedly that I gave up the piano and the violin. Dammit, I was going to be 1st chair in the orchestra, but I quit because it was "geeky" and my teacher was a raging bitch. *sigh* But I especially love the heavy bass of rock. I love it, always have. I think it has more primate meanings, the whole "heartbeat rhythm that can be calming" thud of the bass, feeling it through your body. Being able to swear with such MEANING. Limp Bizkit was great for that: "Shut the FUCK UP, shut the FUCK UP, shut the FUCK UP". I was able to vent, scream, and rage. I still do it. LOVE IT. I also have some great "Sound Healing" and "Zen" type music that puts me in a near trance; it relaxes my whole body. I sometimes listen to it on CJ's MP3 player at night to relax, and I plan on having it with me when I have the embryos transferred into me. I want to listen to relaxing, peaceful music and have them settle in for a long Winters nap *like 9 months long*.
• My cup of comfort in the AM. My co-worker Leanne turned me onto Starbuck's Chai Tea Latte, soy milk please. I love it. I now make these at home, w/the Tazo tea in a box, it's the same thing Starbucks uses. Um, heaven in a glass. Leanne calls it "cup of comfort' and it really is. I never have been and never will be a coffee fan. Yuck.
• Taking my bra off at night. This is great. I think one of the best parts of not working for most of the summer is the fact that I really don't HAVE to wear a bra all day if I don't want to. Who will I see? And if I do go out, I can wear a sports bra and say I'm working out. Easy, cheesy. Since I've began popping these various meds, and my hormones have messed with my weight, my body, and my self -image, the one good thing is the size of my boobies. I went from being "skittle bump" size (a nickname I was called in early high school; sweet, huh?), to a nice full B cup, almost C. I love it! Love the size of my "new" boobies. I am always shoving my chest out to admire my "girls" at school to Leanne and Mary, and they just LOL at me. At first, it almost freaked me out, walking down the hallway, with a FULL CHEST. How do people with BIG boobies handle them? Wow. Just wow. The one downside is lately the meds have made them so tender and sore. Owie. Yesterday at the chiro, I had a hard time getting adjusted because lying on my tummy hurt the girls. Ouch.
• The Dog Park. That is easy. I love, love, love my furkids. Love being outside with them, and love walking with them unleashed, so they can be free to run and frolic. I laugh myself silly watching them chase each other and interact with other doggies. Watching Tboy frolic (literally!) in the water at the pond is enough comedy for one full day's worth of laughter.
• Reading. Love books, always have. I can devour a good book in a day. I was bummed, because I only had 1 book left on hold at the library, which is a block away (more heaven!). Then, my new People, Oprah's "summer reading" email, and a visit to Barnes and Noble took care of my hold list. I put 14 books on hold on Wednesday. I picked one book up on Thursday and finished it last night. I see online that another one has arrived today for me to pick up. *pumping fist, yay!*. Books are my passion, my escape (similar to a movie's escape, with my own visuals. See a trend here? Escape? Kind of makes one wonder why I 'm always trying to escape? Discuss amongst yourselves).
• And the best of all, cuddling with CJ and the kids, blankets piled on us, me reading, or watching a movie with him, and maybe we are rubbing feet (which means he has his socks on). Usually Tboy can only handle so much together time, and gets hot fast. He usually bolts after a while, but Sage loves the cuddles. What is freaky funny is the weird positions she puts her body in. Her long cat-like body can mold itself in various positions; last night I was scared she was going to break her neck for real, her body facing one way, her neck the other. Wow. Just wow.

Time to walk the kids. Sager is sitting at my feet, growling/barking telling me to pay attention to her. I must go and prepare for the "loop" around the townhome complex. Treble is in need of some smilin' strutting, and Sager can't wait to (most likely ) poop a few times for me.

Some music musing

I've always enjoyed music. It's an outlet -- a way to vent, grieve, party, celebrate, enjoy life, dance, laugh, cry, clap my hands, stomp my feet, get whiplash (and get Tboy fired up so that we dance together in the kitchen; he particularly loves ABBA).

but lately, I've been enjoying Jack White (of the White Stripes) new side project band, The Raconteurs........ I'm totally digging this song...........

and then driving home today from my chiro appointment, I had it on Drive105, the alternative station, my new fave beside my thrash-head-bangin'-rock station, 93X, when I heard this new song by Panic! at the Disco and laughed myself silly. It was so FUN, I just totally dug it! LOL (*"what a shame the poor groom's bride is a whore"*) Yes, yes, it's true. I have a sick sense of humor.

but what would one expect when my fave band of all time is Axl's G&R?? *shrugs shoulders*

Na na na na, hey hey hey, Goodbye

I take my last birth control pill tonight. For that, I am genuinely thrilled. 40 straight days of popping that tiny, white pill that suppresses my ovaries from kicking out an eggie (if it even happens in my body, we'll never know.....such a mystery -- does it make it down my Fallopian tubes, that was labeled after my HSG (in May, 2004) as "clear"? ). I am officially off of meds, except for my usual prenatal vitamins, my anti-depressants, and my baby aspirin for one week; on June 28th, I start my estrogen supplements and my antibiotics. For one full week, my body will be ALMOST chemical free. Such a relief. Can you hear me sighing? And still the fear lingers that I'm doing all this for nothing. The hopes, prayers, deep breathing, and "relaxation" modes help, but my heart is still uncertain if it should truly "let go" and let me assume it WILL work.

I just had another Reiki session done. Another "bliss" for me. It was different today; I'm not sure if its because I was almost late getting there, and therefore felt rushed, but I had a hard time getting an even breathing pattern down and truly relaxing. My cute little fireplug, Susan, was so sweet, as usual. (*I also love how brusque she is with her language: when trying to find the correct CD to put on, she said "oh, what the hell". *giggle* *). She's brusque, but an angel, I swear. When she finished with me today, she said she didn't know if I was in the ozone later, or if she was. She said today, I'm the one that was needing the energy, and was sucking it from her. Amazing, all this energy work. It really is. On another Reiki note, last night I mentioned to CJ that I had another session today; he smirked, rolled his eyes, and said "oh great, I'll see you on Sunday.". Hee hee. I always tend to sleep and sleep after Reiki. But dammit, it feels good. I think I'm going to schedule another massage here soon, too, because I haven't had one in awhile and hey, my fertility therapist said I should! Plus, I don't think I'm supposed to have massages (deep tissue) when I start all my meds (all the toxins and such in the body being released).

I'm off to eat my lunch, something sugar free, because after our Pastor's goodbye dinner last night, I need a healthy diet for. Ugg, the amount of pasta, carbs, and SUGAR was enough to send me into headache sugar shock for hours. Then, the furkids and I are off for a "doggie playdate". Yes, I know I'm a dork. But my friend has a young doggie that needs to be "put in his place", or so she says, LOL. Tboy is just the boy for that, while my Sass runs around like a rabbit and plays for hours. I love the backyard of my friend - fenced in, huge, and lovely. Plus she has 2 kids that love my furkids too, so I'm excited to be on my way.

Send in the clowns....and sun......

Ohh, a friend of mine just sent me this article:

(*click to read about how some clowns and laughter may help me conceive*)

The research makes me hopeful and excited, along with THIS research:

(*click to read about how the sunshine and fact that our IVF will be in July may ALSO help me conceive*)

Dogs and Bliss

I got home last night after visiting up in Duluth for 4 full days. I'm always sad to say goodbye to my parents, but then I get excited to be back home, and to be with CJ again. The furkids were especially excited to hit the road; when we are up north without "Daddy", Treble tends to pout (unbelievable, but true). He sits in the chair by the front door and stares at it, willing Chris to walk through it, I think. Plus, this time, we were gone alot, so Sassy had to be in her kennel for hours on end and they didn't get as many walks a day as they do at home (spoiled kids).

My mom had her surgery on Monday, to reattach her intestines and colon, etc.. Luckily, this surgery went very smoothly and we are all excited that she is done with the "bag" and hoping and praying that she heals smoothly and is home in good health soon. Whew. I never "think" I am that stressed about her surgeries, but my tummy tells me otherwise; I had tummy aches the whole time I was up there. Especially after Sunday, when she was drinking all her "stuff" to get her system cleaned out and she was throwing up all day long. Ugg, the sound of your mom retching in the bathroom is not a pleasant one.

I also had another "emotional breakdown" on Monday night. Another good friend online, on one of my message boards, is PG with #2. I am so excited, but along with the excitement of being happy for THEM, comes the kick in my gut that its not me again. I'm still left behind in the dust in all this, or at least that's how I feel. In a way, I feel like I put a new definition to "Left Behind". I was at one point at the SAME point as many of my online friends, trying to conceive #1. Now most of them are having #2 or more, and I can't help but have a pity party for myself that it is never MY TURN to experience the cramps, the aches, the pains, the body stretching, the flutters and kicks inside of me. It's very emotionally screwy, being happy, overjoyed, thrilled, excited for THEM, yet sad, let down, depressed, angry at the same time. Very conflicting emotions all at once. No wonder I'm on my "happy pills", and CJ has to put up with me on the rollercoaster of "happy happy, joy joy" one minute, and then sobbing uncontrollably the next.

I want SO badly to have a big PG belly, it hurts. Literally hurts. Like somebody sucker punched me in the gut and I've lost the ability to breathe for a few seconds. Ouch. But I feel this in my tummy AND my heart at the same time. I've wanted to be PG and a mommy (to more than one child) since I can remember. I can recall being around 5 years old and lying in our camper, supposedly going to bed, while our parents were outside by the fire, me daydreaming about the names of my future children. I've kept a "name list" of names I like for my future kids since I was 10 or so. My best friend, Jess, who now has 6 children, and I used to keep these lists and talk about them all the time. (*of course, when I was 5 my names consisted of Peter, and Cindy, and I wanted to marry one of the Brady Boys, hee hee*).

Monday night I had that kick in my gut again, which although I know its natural, etc., it still sucks and I hate getting weepy of all a sudden. So I indulged in ice cream, peppermint bon bon and wild berry or something, both in one big bowl. I had both a Coke AND a Sprite. I ate like crap, and later FELT like crap, but it helped me get through my tough times. I guess I threw my attempt the past few days at eating a yeast free/sugar free diet out the window (eating like that in an attempt to clear my body of the toxic yeast, especially since I start hard-core antibiotics on the 28th of June and I'm sure to get a yeast infection (a ragin' one) due to the pills.

But coming home last night, it was good. I stopped by the Old Navy outlet in Cambridge and got myself some more Tshirts for $5 -- in a rainbow of colors. (Nothing like spending money on clothes to help heal the heart!) These are my staple shirts in the summer, especially at work --no "sleeveless" shirts at work in the junior high building. The kids went through the roof when they saw CJ and he was just as excited! Also, my montage I had made him for his Father's Day gift had arrived in its professional looking holder, and he says he really enjoyed watching it. I got all teary watching it, as I always do, because I love these damn dogs more than life itself.

Then we cuddled on our big sectional in the basement, had some popcorn (a "no no" for me, but ahhhh, such is life) and watched some movies - -my bliss. My bliss is the dogs, CJ, and movies (especially the smell of walking into a movie theater, *sigh*). We ran through "Firewall" with Harrison Ford -- this is when we watch some parts, but fast forward through most of it. It was pretty bad. The second movie was "Syriana", which I have seen, but CJ hadn't. I really like this movie, because of its shot at the government, but CJ wasn't all THAT impressed with it. I tend to get fired up with movies like that.

Now I'm home, the dogs are in the window, getting back into their "operation crime patrol" mode (hee hee), and I'm off to buy some groceries, since apparently I'm the one who notices when we have zero food in there to actually eat. It's good to be home, back into my routine.

A message to our future twins:

This was the message from our egg donor to our (hopefully) future twins (God Willing) after her first successful Lupron shot this morning!

I told her I damn well hope that our eggies inherit HER gorgeous body! WOWZA! LOL

Oh, what a night

What a weird night (sleepwise) it was.

First off, falling asleep usually takes me no longer than 4 minutes or so. I lay on my back, take deep breaths in and out and visualize my body relaxing. But last night, lying there, I realized I had tears, the silent, weepy kind, streaming out of my eyes. Again, my damn emotions had hit me, in a quiet, peaceful time. And again, the fear of this IVF stuff not working next month had snuck up on me, when I was having a seemingly "good day". Maybe the fact that my body had been cramping all day (from the shot maybe?) made me realize how SICK and TIRED I am of all the foreign drugs being pumped into my body, and nothing ever working. My poor body hurts, my heart is tired of holding so much pain and grief, and Lord knows my butt is sick of the needles plunging into it. Also, while I was taking my shower earlier (my mind tends to wander when I shower) I had the thoughts of "what if we do have to adopt" and "how long would THAT take us?". *sigh*

3:05 AM I glanced at my clock, wide awake. I had the absolute WORST cramps ever. The kind that push your body naturally into the fetal position, and make you groan out loud (although CJ didn't seem to hear me, as he was, as usual, snoring away like a freight train -- as I always tell him--and doing that annoying smacking-his-lips-in-his-sleep thing he does). I get up and hunch over, plod to the bathroom. Even peeing was hard, as my uterine area was racked by cramps and dammit, it hurt! As I sat there, trying hard to take deep breaths, I thought "is this my ovaries really shutting down and telling me to "F-off" for doing this to them so unnaturally?". I got back into bed, curled up again. All of a sudden, I had a gas bubble and I almost went through the roof with pain. Oh my God! It wasn't my ovaries, although they may have been side effects of it all, it was damn GAS from the fajitas I had devoured for dinner at Teresa's! *(blushing madly*). Again, I plodded to the bathroom this time CJ's, as it is our master bathroom, and he has all the medicine in his cabinets. After rummaging through them, and tossing out almost half the bottles due to expiration dates (like 2-3 years ago dates! yikes), I finally was able to locate a few Tums and chewed them up. Within 15 minutes I was finally able to fall asleep and I woke up feeling good. *whew* I was scared that IF I had such horrible cramps, I wouldn't be able to drive the 2 1/2 hour drive up north to my parents in Duluth.

But I'm OK and now I'm off to pack the fur kids and my stuff, and we'll be up there for 5 days.

no, not for real

we really aren't naming out future twins Coco & Bongo, for those of you who have question marks above your heads & eyebrows raised. We have names, many names picked out. But Coco & Bongo make some really kick-ass nicknames, don't you think?

there's a needle in my bum, in my bum

We did it tonight. Shot the Depo-Lupron in my bum. Ahh, the ice pack: how I've missed thee (not). Dr. CJ primed the pre-packaged needle (no fun for him, my Mister mixer-fan-man ) and after a sufficient amount of icing, he plunged it in my ass. I didn't feel too much, thank goodness. I hope my ovaries shut down nice and quiet, for about 10 more months or so.



Ahhh, Coco and Bongo....I hope you realize how much your future mommy and daddy (God willing) are going through to get you!

Coco and Bongo are our "future" kids - the twins. Yep, we like to talk about the twins. Because we'll hopefully have good eggies from Mooshie, and along w/the ICSI (sperm injection) , good embryos, and my body will be so accepting, that both embryos will stick and we'll have the Soupie twins. *positive thoughts*

Coco and Bongo were so named, after a Cancun trip last Fall. The club was rockin', and we went home talking about Coco and Bongo, and hell, who wouldn't wanna name their twins Coco & Bongo? The best part about our future twins is the looks my mom gets when she talks about Coco & Bongo, her future grandkids. It's not enough people think her and my dad are crazy for having their "Ask me about my granddogs" sweatshirts *(and can whip out photos of the infamous Tboy & Sasser)*, but now they gotta talk about their hypothetical future POSSIBLE grandkids, who are named after a hoppin' Cancun BAR!

Relaxation mode

I had a great day today. I've officially been on "summer break" from work 2 full weekdays now, and so far, I'm loving it. I'm hoping I'll have time to "relax" and "not worry about a thing" , and then, because I AM on vacation, maybe I'll get PG! *(note the obvious sarcasm)*

I had my semi-weekly Reiki session today. It's a haul to drive the 35 min. from my house, but so worth it. The gal I go to is a little, older woman, who is a spitfire. She is so excited for me and I had to LOL a little today, because she had me explain again what exactly the process is (*If I had a dollar for everytime somebody asked me the "process" of this whole donor egg thing, I'd be in the $40's right now*). But I'm glad they ask. It means they are genuinely interested and care.

Anyhoo, the Reiki thing sounds so far out for people who've never had it done. However, I swear by it! It basically is her laying her hands on me and "opening up" my energy flow patterns (aka my chakras) (*(link on side ----> explaining what it is exactly)*). I've had it done before, but after hearing more about the whole "mind/body" experience and how the body and mind can influence a PG, I decided to go on a weekly basis and eat the $$, because in the long run, it makes me feel relaxed and genuinely happier. Plus, the infertility therapist Chris and I visited with told me to treat my body well, and to get massages and things that make my body feel good, rather than all the stress and poking and prodding.

I always become very relaxed (almost dreamy-like) during Reiki. I'm doing 30 min. sessions with her, and usually she starts at my "clarity" chakra (my head area). It's nutty, but I swear I have a million thoughts come into my head from the moment she touches my forehead until she leaves that area. Then, as she moves to different positions, I'm light as air and I can literally FEEL the energy start at my toes and move through my body. Somedays I jerk -- like a muscle spasm -- my legs, a foot, my fingers; they are all twitching on some days -- this basically means the energy is becoming unblocked.
A girl on my TTC board swears that her Reiki sessions helped her w/her BFP (Big Fat Positive PG test). So we'll see.

On another note, Mooshie (my donor) got her meds today!!! I'm so excited. I was just as excited last weekend when my meager supply of meds arrived, too. LOL Thank goodness I won't have to be sticking myself in the tummy everyday for weeks on end, I'm a big time wuss at that--I always had Chris give me my shots in the tummy while I took deep breaths. The one time I had to do my own tummy shot, I almost hyperventited, I swear. But Mooshie is a strong girl: she's pumped. She took a pic of her stack of meds and if I COULD POST PICS *(grrrr they never show up)* I'd post the picture of the pile.

Luckily, this time being the recipient only, I only have to worry about my uterine lining, so I'm on mostly oral meds -- Estrogen and the pill. Tomorrow is my big "STICK IT IN THE BUTT" Depo -Lupron shot, a high dose shot to tell my ovaries to "cool it". Then, when the embryos are transferred into me (God willing) I will start my progesterone oil shots - now those are a doozy, or so I've heard. They oil is THICK and slow in getting into your body, and I guess that they are a pain - literally.

Its funny, thinking about this whole process, it is so like a rollercoaster. One week ago tonight I was sobbing--the whole "can't-catch-your-breath" sobs for hours. I was on another "downer" and getting so freaked out, because if this round of donor eggs fails us, we're not sure we can afford to even try again with another donor. That thought scares me tremendously and makes me sadder than I ever imagined I could feel. I guess the realization that our road will come to a complete T and we either go left, or we go right, is coming closer and closer.

And now, here I am tonight, happy as a clam all day. Was it the Reiki? Maybe. Or maybe the fact that I have no stress "workwise" in my life. Or maybe the fact that my furkids make me happy. Sager wakes me up on the AM's we sleep in together -- and that starts my day with a happy heart. My favorite moments are waking up to her licking my hand and yipping at me "mommy, get up", and bugging her furbrother by chewing his tail and chewing at his ears while he grumbles in protest. *(and thank goodness she's learned how to sleep past the 6 AM waking hour this summer!)*

On our walks today, Treble was SO happy and in his "frolic" mood -- the mood he gets all happy and tries to play hard core and do the whole "ass crunch" on Sager while we try to walk. It's hilarious, and he literally made me LOL on 2/3 walks today.

*sigh* ahh, the joy of my furkids. And the joy of knowing that in one MONTH from today, Mooshie's eggies MIGHT be extracted!! July 13 is the big day!! Whoot!

Maybe if you just took a vacation..........

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile :

As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
So... when are *you* going to start walking?
Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk everywhere I go!
But don't you *want* to walk?
You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.
I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
I hope you don't try those anti-paralyzation drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?
Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much

And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running..."

New Little Fishie, Swimmin' in the Water

Well, I've taken the plunge. I've decided after months of hemming and hawwing , to take the dip into the big, new pool called Blogging. I'm really not sure if blogging will be my cup of chai tea latte (soy milk, please), but I may as well attempt to pretend I know what I'm doing, right?

For 2 1/2 years, Chris and I have been trying to have a baby - just one. We're not selfish. We'd be happy with a healthy child, 10 fingers and 10 toes. We even started TTC before our wedding. We giggled and had the foolish notion of "how cool would it be to be hiding a baby inside me at our wedding"? *(sigh*). The dreams of an in-love, baby-loving *(baby hungry)* newly married couple.

Without going into gory details, that would take pages....let's just say we've not succeeded at making even one baby yet, not even a chemical PG, not even a whisper of a "blue line" indicating a positive PG test. *sigh again*. Many tears have been shed, much heartache agonized over, and many meds I've now begun (anti-depressants gratefully accepted by my emotions).

13 medicated cycles, 6 failed IUI's , and one canceled IVF cycle due to "poor response" and now we are onto a donor egg cycle. We began this particular cycle in January - after a girl I met on an online message board emailed me and offered to be my egg donor. I've known Michele/Mooshie for 2 1/2 years (since we started TTC together and I've been left in the non-baby luck dust since most of our board now consists of mommies who are expecting #2 or even #3!). Initially, CJ and I asked my cousin Becky to be our egg donor, but her life circumstances are in a different playing field right now.........

Mooshie has gone thru all the hoops and jumps and we've made it this far. I'm calling Mooshie my angel. She is my soul sister -- we look alike, talk alike, have the same ailments, and same thoughts on life (minus the Patty Duke cheesy music).

So we've met w/docs, started our Birth control pills to suppress our ovaries and get our cycles in sync, and we now begin the BIG JOURNEY into IVF w/Donor Eggs.
Wednesday is my Depo-Lupron shot. A big ol' needle in my butt muscles. CJ (Chris) likes to call himself DR. Campbell -- since he's injected me more than I'd care to count. His favorite includes the meds that need to be mixed, so he was quite disappointed to hear that the Depo-Lupron shot is pre-packaged and no mixing is needed. *sad face for CJ*.

I will try to keep this Blogging up. I am not a fan of writing in a journal with pen and paper, and writing down my thoughts on WORD just didn't make sense. This makes sense. I'll try to keep it up.